2005 Super Bowl Ad Review

the lord our savior

So the bars have emptied and the champagne has stopped flowing in New England, so that means it’s time for the fourth annual Super Bowl Advertising review. The most comprehensive Super Bowl Ad coverage you’ll ever receive from a t-shirt website. As always, since I am a professional these opinions are official and are not open for debate. In past years I’ve had the commercials broken down into sections. This year, because it seems easier for me, I’m just going to grade them.

Ameriquest: Don’t be quick to judge
The scenarios set up in these clever spots were classic. The bloody cat. The guy talking about getting robbed. Unexpected and funny. Even though I’m not really sure what Ameriquest does, these still made me laugh. A-.

Anheuser-Bush: Many Commercials
The theme here was clearly quantity over quality. Which I’ve been known to support.

Bird—Ha, a talking bird that has a Spanish accent. Continuing Beer’s reign as the champion of ads that have nothing to do with the product. C.

Budweiser Select—Taken in the context of the Miller Lite pre-emptive strike spots, Bud must have felt like a bunch of idiots. All I could think was, man, I bet Budweiser didn’t anticipate Miller Lite spending five million dollars on boring ads that would ruin the launch of a new product. D.

Camera Phone—Nothing special. C.

Clydesdale Tryouts--I had hoped that that donkey was killed, since I didn’t really enjoy last year’s commercial. Which is why I was pleasantly surprised to like this year’s commercial. Camels run funny. B-.

Cedric’s Driving Dance--Responsible, yes. Great, no. Frankly, I’m tired of Cedrick the Entertainer. Which means he’s not really entertaining to me anymore. Which would make his new title Cedrick the Guy I’m Tired Of Seeing. C+.

Cedric’s Island Dream—He was on the right track, but I’m still going with two hot girls over a dog and a grill. Truthfully, if they had all that Bud Light, those girls would be drunk and, as is usually the case with two hot drunk girls, making out with one another. C+.

Ovation To Troops—I applaud this commercial, though not the president who sent those poor troops off to war. B.

Skydiver—Sort of funny. The fact that they didn’t draw too much attention to the pilot, they just let him run through frame and jump out was good. But I feel like that joke is old. Heck, it’s better than a horse farting in a girls face…B.

Bubblicious: Lebron.
Your product is bubble gum. You have a special flavor endorsed by “the gift,” Lebron James. And this is the best you can do? What a disappointment. Bubblicious is supposed to be fun, bright, wild. A subtle, serious commercial is not the right way to use LeBron. C-.

Cadillac: Bullet
Oh, I get it, you backed (or cocked) that car (or bullet) back into the tunnel (or barrel) and then drove (or shot) it out. B.

CareerBuilder.com: Monkeys
As one commercial connoisseur put it, “For my money, it doesn't get any better than a chimp wearing human clothes. That's comedy.” That is the truth. And the premise that the people you work with are about as useful as monkeys is clever insight. I love when the monkey answers the phone and the man turns to him and says, very matter-of-factly, “that didn’t ring.” Then the monkey talks into the phone and the man says, “you’re not talking to anyone. Classic. .” If you look, the name of the company when they enter the office is YEKNOM. That’s attention to detail. A.

Cialis
Stop advertising for erection drugs. Please! I’m really glad old guys can get boners again, but I don’t want to see or hear anything about it. You want a good Cialis commercial? Show that girl from GoDaddy.com licking an ice cream cone and pouring chocolate syrup all over her bare breasts. Then say, “if this didn’t give you a hard-on, you need Cialis.” D.

Cosentino Silestone: Diana Pearl
I don’t know what Diana Pearl is. I don’t care. This seemed mixed up. While I agree that if you have a womanish product and you advertise during the Super Bowl, you’ve got a bunch of bored women who are probably only watching the commercials anyways. But when you throw in a bunch of old athletes, women might not pay attention. C for confused.

Degree: Mama’s Boy
First, when the momma doll is pushing the boy in the cart, it looks like she’s giving him a hand-job. Second, does this spot make it seem like using Degree is a risk? Either way, it wasn’t great. C+.

Diet Pepsi: The Truck
Even though I hate Carson Daily (either that or I’m envious that someone can be so famous and yet so average), I thought this was kind of funny. Not great, but funny. B+.

Diet Pepsi: Hot Guy
One of the biggest laughs received at the bar was for this gem, which not only had a nice reference to the classic Cindy Crawford Diet Pepsi ad, but cashed in on the popularity of those Queer Eye guys. B+.

Emerald Nuts: Exaggerating Dad
Wait, “Exaggerating Dad’s” initial aren’t EN. They broke from their campaign without letting us know. I hate their old ads and this is only mildly better. C.

FedEx: Burt Reynolds
In what’s becoming an advertising dynasty, FedEx once again puts out a winner. Trying to develop a commercial that’s Super Bowl worthy takes a lot of time, effort and brilliance. So instead of trying to do that, FedEx just mocks everyone else. Listing the ingredients that go into a successful SuperBowl commercial is great. Especially when the Journey song kicks in and “pop song” appears on the screen. I know a certain creative director that lives by that rule. Also, “that bear can dance” is good. A.

Ford: Green Light
Wait! A guy left his top down and froze to death? Is that funny? I like the Ford Mustang, I didn’t like this. And worse, I had to watch it a few times. At least change it up a bit. Criminey. C-.

Frito Lay: MC Hammer
Poor MC. The money is really gone, isn’t it. There’s a better MC Hammer commercial floating around out there. But this wasn’t all bad. B-.

GoDaddy.com: Boobs
Dang, that girl is hot. FedEx listed attractive female as one of the keys to success. GoDaddy hit the nail on the head. “I could do a routine where I go like this.” Yes you could. Yes, you could. I know that you maybe shouldn’t say this, but I love that girl's tits. I’m not sure how to grade this one, either T&A or DD.

Heineken: Beer Run
Brad Pitt is handsome. So is Tom Brady. But this commercial did nothing for me. Plus, Heineken is shitty beer. C-.

Honda: Through The Clouds
I think Ford did this a few years ago. I’m not sure you can ever convince someone that a Honda is rugged. About as rugged as a plastic tea set. D.

MasterCard: Dinner
The rights to all those food characters, expensive. A campaign that can run for 100 years, priceless. I love that Vlassic bird that holds his pickle like a cigar. And Mr. Clean was a good touch, even though I’m pretty sure he just cleans floor and dusts furniture. B+.

MBNA: Gladys Knight
Dumb. The more I think about it, the more I hate this commercial D. Nope, E.

McDonalds
What?! McDonalds has a good commercial? I don’t understand what happened. There are several good, subtle deadpan lines that make the spot. “No, but we can give you fries shaped like sticks.” Also, having the e-bay buyer be a Japanese man who’s obsessed with Abraham Lincoln is wild and good. I think we can thank Burger King for McDonald’s venture into good advertising. I’m lovin’ it. A-.

Movie Commercials
The same damn previews we’ve been seeing. But at a much higher cost. And in the middle of much better work. E.

Napster: vs. iTunes
Napster, you were cool when you were illegal. Now, iTunes kicks your ass. What Napster failed to calculate is that you mostly fill your iPod by importing cd’s you already own. But for some reason I laughed when I saw the sign that little cat held up. I didn’t realize they were actually making a point. I thought it was just an absurd claim, like “if you use iTunes, it will cost you $100000000.” C+.

NFL: Tomorrow
Anytime a commercial opens with an NFL player hearing a reggae version of “Tomorrow” from Annie and declaring, “that’s my jam!” I like it. NFL players singing that song was great last year and it was good again this year. Especially Gruden yelling at his kids. B+.

Olympus: Camera Radio Item
At first I thought, that’s dumb, why would you ever want that. Then I felt my big-ass digital camera in one coat pocket and my mp3 player in the other. Huh, who knew I needed that device. Plus, those people dance real funny. B.

Pepsi: Bottle Songs
I like the concept. I like the part where the guy is singing in the bathroom and his boss walks in. And I like the version where Gwen Steffanie is walking around looking real hot. B+.

Quizno’s: Baby Bob
From the top to a flop. Quizno’s can’t even make a new commercial for the Super Bowl. It’s bad enough I have to watch this stupid-ass talking baby commercial during any television show, but during the big game. During the biggest commercial showcase of the year? Come on Quizno’s. You’re better than that. Remember those singing strange animals. Bring ‘em back. F.

Staples: Easy Button
Hey Staples, you’ve been running this one for a while. And I never really liked it then. You show the problem, then the easy button, but you don’t show us how the button actually made the problem easier. If the button didn’t work, those people are all fucked. D.

Subway: Toasted Subs
Subway gets a B just for not using Jared. But after switching agencies to Goodby they’ve got to be disappointed that this was their big SuperBowl spot. B.

Tabasco Sauce: Tan Lines
Any commercial featuring a girl in a bikini automatically starts off at a C grading. The fact that the girl is hot brings it up a bit. But the fact that you could see what was going to happen from a mile away limits its potential. B.

Toyota: Talking Dog
FedEx never stops being right, do they? Although the dog mixing up “lease” and “leash” is sort of funny. C+.

Toyota: Prius
Conceptually this was pretty cool. A nice demonstration of the advances being made by Toyota. A continuation of the solid, ‘versatilier” work being done by Toyota. A-.

Verizon: Miniaturization
Throw together Kid Rock, Deion Sanders, Christina Aguelara and Shaq and what’s the result? Unfortunately, just an average commercial. B.

Visa: Superheroes
I like comic books. This was pretty cool. A-.

If I missed any commercials, they get a D, because they weren’t good enough for me to remember, but they also weren’t horrible enough to stand out in my mind.

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