the lord our savior

April and May 2002


An archive of the lord our savior's beloved baby jesus editorials between April and May of 2002. Topics include a dog army, leader humans for the blind, line jumping, lawn jarts, roadword, bite-tit, and body piercing.



5.20.02

Having been in several lines during my lifetime and while in said line realizing that I no longer have my ticket or don't have enough dollars to pay cover, I've devised a couple of ways to remedy the situation.

1. Bite the bullet. Just repay for the ticket you lost. This is clearly the worst solution and should be avoided at all costs.

2. Get a friend to pay. The less you're friends with this person, the better, since you aren't going to pay them back, ever.

3. Forget. When you get to be the 2nd or 3rd person from the gate keeper, "forget" you need to hand him a ticket or pay cover. The more bustle around the door, the better. While someone in front of you is paying, lock your eyes on something far inside the building and walking quickly toward that object, ignoring whoever’s collecting the cover. Then, when they call after you, you "can't hear" them, since you're so intent on reaching whatever you're looking at. Usually, the ticket taker can't be bothered to chase you down, so you will be let go.

3a. If you are somewhere where they stamp hands, simply walk by the stamp checker and hold out your hand. They'll be sort of confused, since there is no stamp on your hand. Sometimes that confusion will lead them to believe that maybe you really did have a stamp and they didn't see it. Sometimes they'll grab you and make you pay.

4. Switcharoo. When you get to the front of the line and they ask for your ticket simply say, "I just gave it to you." When you do something over and over again, you tend to forget individual incidents, so perhaps they become confused and think, maybe he did just give it to me. Either way, at this point it's your word against theirs. Stick to your guns and you should be just fine.

5. Sockem. When they ask for your ticket or cover, give them a quick jab to the nose, hopefully bloodying it. Now who's asking the questions, bitch?

Good luck.


5.14.02

I just saw an article and one of the names in it was "Thor Rasmussen."
That is either a very good name or a very bad name.

And since we talked about dogs yesterday, here's a little follow up.

Every once in awhile on the news you see a story about how the Humane Society finds abandoned viscious attack dogs in a factory and that they're going to be put down.

Hold on!

Stop putting those killing machines to death. Hasn't anyone thought of making a dog army? Dogs are fast, can track people based on smell, and they can fit in caves and other places most people can't. Plus, as was stated yesterday, dogs are pretty smart. It only stands to reason that we could take all these killer dogs and use them to hunt evil. In fact, since dogs often have "litters" of puppies, as opposed to humans who usually have only one baby at a time, it shouldn't take us that long to build a giant dog army. Plus, people are scared of dogs(at least I am), so even if we never used the dog army, I bet just having them march around would intimidate our enemies.

If only I was in charge of the world, it would be so much more efficient.

Thanks to General Likhite for pointing that out about viscious attack dogs.


5.13.02

Dogs are pretty smart. That's why you can train them to help blind people.

But you know who's smarter than dogs? Humans. So why don't we start a Leader Humans For The Blind organization? It could work two ways.

1. Children are born and reared to be leaderhumans. Since they are raised for it from birth, they don't know any better and enjoy their life assisting their blind "friend".

2. People who are down on their luck, i.e. bums. Certainly, living in a home and eating food isn't bad payment for helping a blind person out. Bums have at least as much to offer a blind person as a dog, even a really smart dog. Even one who is drunk all the time could do a pretty good job. And their tasks wouldn't be overly difficult, so just about anyone could do it.

In using leader humans, blind people would have more assistance. Their humans could drive them places, read books to them, cook them dinner, etc. Plus, humans clean up their own shit and don't bark. Sure, maybe it's a little more expensive to feed and house a person, but in the end, isn't it worth it?

In somewhat related news, my dad said he had children so he wouldn't have to cut the grass anymore. Smart man.


5.10.02

One thing the world needs more of is hammocks.


5.8.02

Have you ever stopped to think of how amazing humans are? Mostly I'm talking about all the things we invent.

For instance, the telephone. It's almost beyond my comprehension that I can talk into something, and thousands of miles away, my voice is arriving almost as soon as it leaves my lips. How can my voice travel so fast? And how does it know where to go? When did humans put up all those phone lines and power lines and sewage/plumbing systems for that matter?

Fucking amazing.

And planes, and cars? Who ever thought, "you know what will make this thing go? Gasoline." How did they even know what gasoline was? In a million years, if you sat me in a room, I could never invent any of these things. Neither could a deer or a fish. But apparently some humans can.

And radio and television? How did people figure out that little waves fly though the air and somehow we can send sound and pictures over these waves? That picture box I spend most nights slack-jawed in front of is a remarkable piece of equipment. Not to even mention computers and microchips and rogaine. When I stop and think about it, I'm in awe of our type of animal. Sure, bees build hives and beavers make dams, but do they cook their food in a microwave? Nope.

Also, though I never had this thought on my own, it is amazing that by holding something in your hand, your brain can almost always figure out the proper force and arc to use in order to throw the object a certain distance. That's one good brain. (thanks to hubbles for that one)

Anyways, as dumb as it is, I'm thoroughly impressed by our species. What we've done so far leads me to believe it is only a matter of time before we invent the following items:

-a device that allows us to talk to animals
-laser guns
-gills for people
-hoverboards
-androids
-portable phones
-teleporters (or whatever those star trek things are)
-invisible suits


Keep up the good work humans.


5.6.02

This is proof that I am not smart. As if you needed any.

So for a whole weekend spent in Chicago not very much outrageous happened. However, I was a part of one of the worst days of my life. Worst as in bad luck. Worst as in me not being very smart. Worst as in being bad enough that it took me 20 minutes to write this e-mail. And to make a short story very, very long, here goes:

Saturday afternoon I have to drive from Chicago to Naperville to my aunt's to meet my family for dinner. Dinner time, 4pm. Estimated travel time, 45 minutes. Just to be safe, I left at three.

3pm
First, one of the streets mapquest told me to turn on to get out of the city didn't exist. And it was the second street I was supposed to use. So for 20 minutes, I circled, in sort of the shape of a clover, around numerous blocks looking for any street on the directions (other than the one I started on, I knew very well where that one was). It was during this time that my cell battery died, so I couldn't call for help.

3:20pm
Twenty minutes later I'm on the third street of my directions, ready for smooth sailing. I make it to the expressway, no more troubles. So I take it to the next expressway, I-294S/88W. I'm supposed to stay on it for 15 miles or so and get off at IL 59. So I drive 15 minutes, then 20, no IL 59. 25 minutes in I get to an exit for road 159. I quickly do the math.
IL-59 = I59. 1 = I. IL-59 = 159.
My brain tells me they're the same.

3:45 pm
I get off on 159 (despite having seen no signs indicating I'm anywhere near Naperville, a fairly large city) and turn the direction it tells me too. I'm supposed to now go one mile before my next turn. It is during this mile that I notice I'm in one of the most rundown areas I've been to (reminiscent of jamaica/bahamas off the main strip, or just imagine a bad city). Now, my uncle makes 6 figures and lives in a subdivision. His kids take fencing and horseback riding. I can't believe he lives so close to Harvey, the town of burning garbage and wandering vagrants. But, I give Mapquest the benefit of the doubt. Maybe the two communities are next to eachother, after all, my directions still had some turns left.

4:00pm
Well, after going three miles and passing my 300th homeless person I guessed I had probably gotten off at the wrong exit. So, I decide to stop and get a charger for my phone so I can call and find out where the fuck I am. It only takes me another mile or so to find a radio shack. (good luck, finally)

4:15pm
But once I have the charger, I can't get the rubber stopper protecting where the charger is supposed to plug into out of my phone. After using a pen, my teeth, a paperclip and a pocket knife I found in my trunk, I get the stopper out. But the charger still isn't fitting my phone. I really try and jam the fucker in there. Now I'm laughing to myself, outloud, trying to push a square peg into a round hole. You've got to be fucking kidding. I'm about to go in and exchange it when I notice that not all of the stopper came out of the hole. Some of it appears to be MELTED in there. I can't even scrape it out with a paper clip. So now, I say fuck it. Just get back on the highway.

4:35pm
Back on the road, heading the same direction. After five more miles I realize I can't possibly be going the right direction. So I stop at a gas station(by now the tolls had cleaned me out and I needed change anyways) to ask directions. "Hi, I'm trying to get to Naperville, where am I?" "(laughter) Not even close." Apparently 294/88 only go together for 1/2 mile or so, then 88 splits off to go to Naperville. Fuck me. So I tell the attendants my whole story, because at this point I'm hysterically laughing about it. Me and the attendant work on my phone, but can't find anything that will dig out the rubber, so I thank him and get back on the road.

4:50pm
There's nowhere to turn around. Finally the next exit comes, so I take it. But it is not an exit. Why would it be? It is an entrance ramp to another highway. Which I have to drive faaar down to find the next exit. Turn around, head back, now I'm going the correct direction. It is along this road that I see a man on some dirt trails putting his small children on tiny motorcycles. At this point it makes me so happy to see someone dumber than me.

5:10pm, back on 294 N.

5:35pm, on 88W to Naperville.

5:50pm
I pull into my aunt's subdivision and start looking for their court. After going what seems like too far, I find a court off the road I'm, but it has no street sign. However, there's a ton of cars around one of the houses, 1521. But my aunt's address is 1421. Oh well, my mom must have mixed up the numbers. So I park, get out and as I'm walking up the driveway I realize I can't see my parent's car. In fact, none of the cars have license plates from MI. Must be the wrong house. I didn't go in (another bit of good luck).

6:00pm
Find the correct court. A street I had passed and not even looked at. I tell my family the story, opening with "It's amazing I've been alive for 23 years, because I'm not very smart..." Eat some food, etc.

7:15pm
In a friendly game of 3 v 3 front yard football, (me and 5 little kids) I catch a touchdown pass. Holding the ball in the air, I slow my run to turn around and taunt the kids. But it was not to be, because my cousin had been playing with the hose and wet down the blacktop driveway, so instead of turning and taunting, my feet shot out from under me and I bit it. Hard. Knee's scraping blacktop, elbows and shoulder landing in the only mud puddle within a three block radius. So now, I'm bleeding from my knee and covered in mud. Plus, I'm wearing nice clothes in case I have to go right to the bar when I go back into the city. I can't even believe it.

9:50pm
Head back into the city. Find my way back perfectly (well, almost. I missed one turn and had to drive about 15 minutes to turn around because the road was all fucked up).

10:05pm
So now I find my way back perfectly, until I get to Sheridan, their street.

11pm
After driving up and down it both ways until it ended, I find that there's no 3907, in fact, there are no 3000 blocks at all. I call my friends to get help (we got the rubber out of my phone at my aunt's). Unfortunately, the only one waiting for me is one who does not live in Chicago. He asks me to describe where I am, so I tell him as I pass streets, which of course don't mean anything to him, because he's not from Chicago. At one point driving on Sheridan, I reach the intersection of Sheridan and, what, Sheridan? How can the same street intersect itself. Which Sheridan am I supposed to be on? So I try the Sheridan I have not gone on yet. Only at the next block it is Sheffield. Huh? So, after 20 more minutes we figure out Sheridan is Sheffield. Aaarrrggg. Is it so hard to give each street a different name, or at least make sure you don't name two intersecting streets the same thing? Christ.

11:20pm
My day is done. Finally. I never want to drive again.

So, that my friends is one of the worst days ever for me. And I hope it is the longest e-mail I ever send you about how stupid I am.


5.3.02
2nd Edition

I love Mike Tyson. The man is a miraculous human being, who has been placed on this earth to speak the truth. If you haven't yet, I suggest you read this article about his recent press conference.

Here's a few choice samplings:

"I may like to fornicate more than other people -- it's just who I am. I sacrifice so much of my life, can I at least get laid? I mean, I been robbed of my most of my money, can I at least get (oral sex) without the people wanting to harass me and wanting to throw me in jail?"

Yes you can, Mike, yes you can.

"I wish that you guys had children so I could kick them in the (expletive) head or stomp on their testicles so you could feel my pain because that's the pain I have waking up every day."

There's not much better than a giant boxer stomping on a young boys testicles, is there?

"That's just who I am. I want to have a nice career for my children. I want them to have a great education I want to fly my birds. I want to live my life. I want to have a drink every now and then. I want to have a charity event every now and then. And every now and then, I want to fornicate and that's just being a human being."

Has anything more true ever been said? I think that should be the motto of humans.

For more, including Mike's take on Jesus Christ, check this out:
http://espn.go.com/boxing/news/2002/0503/1377497.html

The man is a genius.


5.3.02

Is it just me, or are people tired of receiving warnings about computer viruses? In my opinion, anyone who needs a warning because they are actually dumb enough to open up some random attachment deserves to get a virus.

Even my mom knows not to open things she's unsure about.

Which leads me to believe that perhaps people think I am an idiot. After all, they feel the need to warn me about every virus. Clearly they don't believe my computer is safe with me at the controls.


5.2.02

When you're an adult playing a sport for recreation (i.e. you are not being paid to play that sport) there is no reason you should ever get in a fight. There's nothing worse than a bunch of grown men playing a sport and getting in arguments and fights. HEY! You're grown men playing a sport because you enjoy it, just relax. If you're not out there to have fun, go home, hit your punching bag or beat your wife. Fucking maniacs.

However, if someone intentionally kicks you in the genitals, or punches your face, you are allowed to retaliate.


5.1.02

*** Breaking News ***
"Tampa is invaded with toads, hundreds of toads can be seen hopping the streets of Tampa. According to the experts the toads had an 'active' mating season."

Thanks to KJ for contributing this little gem of information, which sparked a wonderful memory in my brain:

When I was in eigth grade, I snuck out of my house late at night and rode my bike to a friend's. On the way home, we were riding our bikes through my subdivision and--low and behold--hopping from the pond/field area to whereever toads hop to, were thousands upon thousands of toads. Big ones, little ones, all hopping happily along in the cool, quiet darkness. The road was literally jumping with them. You could barely ride your bike without smashing toads. Or, you could ride your bike and smash as many toads as possible (hey, I was a kid).

I call it the great toad migration. It was the most amazing thing I've ever seen involving toads.


4.30.02

In the Thesaurus, one of the synonyms for "succeed" is to "make out."
Indeed it is, my friend, indeed it is.


4.23.02

As summer nears, one thing that I really want is a Jarts Missile Game. Otherwise known as lawn jarts or lawn darts, mattering on who you talk to. Since they are now illegal, it is hard to acquire a set. You can get them on eBay, but they are generally very expensive. So my plans are as follows:

1.) Perhaps all of you will check your garages, or look at some garage sales for me. I am willing to pay a reasonable price for a set.

2.) I plan to begin driving around and looking for open garages. When I find one, I will walk in and start looking around for lawn jarts. Then, if someone catches me looking around I'll say, "Isn't this a garage sale?" And they'll say, "no." Then I'll say, "Well then you shouldn't have put that sign up in your yard," and point to the sign outside that says "Garage Sale," that I put there before I went in. This should confuse them. Then, if they have lawn jarts, I will try to negotiate a fair price. If they don't, I will run away.


4.22.02

There's a chance that the dumbest people in the world are in charge of maintaining Michigan's roads. Look at this excerpt from a recent meeting:

Gary:
"You know Bill, we could try paving all the roads with concrete that doesn't fall apart after six months."

Bill:
"No, no. I think the current system of having crews of men drive around and shovel piles of crumbling blacktop shit into holes that were already filled with crumbling blacktop shit, but that old blacktop shit crumbled all apart and left a big uneven hole along with a giant bump from the remaining blacktop shit works pretty well."

Susan:
"Bill's got a good point. The current process makes the roads as uneven as possible, causing cars to rumble down the road instead of gliding smoothly over nice pavement. People like to feel the road. And, people love it when the little rocks from the new crumbling blacktop shit shoots up off of other cars' tires and hits their windshield."

Gary:
"You're right. What was I thinking."

Don't tell me that we can fly men to the moon, but no one can develop a better substance to make roads out of. That's just horseshit.


4.19.02

I thought this little item was worth sharing:
(courtesy of Juice)
It's employee appreciation week next week and we got free massages. However, a bunch of people were complaining cause they didn't sign up in time and there are no more massages offered. Can you believe it? What a bunch of babies? So, I posted this on our intranet as a "for sale" item.

"Upset you weren't able to sign-up for Cigna's free massages on Tuesday? Awwwwww...what a pity! Well, for the bargain basement price of $20 I will sell you my allotted 10:50am time slot. All proceeds will benefit me and will be used for food & drink this weekend."

Jack, I tip my hat to you. I love "what a pity".


4.18.02

Just for the record, I hate Hotmail and AOL. Hotmail consistently returns messages to me as undeliverable and it is also slow as molasses to use.

AOL is just plain terrible. The only people who like AOL are people who don't know anything, like my mom. Sorry mom.

Long live telnet.


4.15.02

How come I always feel like I have the winning lottery ticket, but then I never win? That's bullshit.

If I do win this time I will retire to a life of eccentric craziness immediately. You'll all be invited to join me. Especially Everess, who will join me as my butler.

4.15.02 part two

Also, it should be noted that anytime a man bites through two layers of another human's clothing and draws blood, that man is crazy. Cray-zee. Also, when a dirty, 5'8" bearded man attacks a giant, he is also crazy, because normal people know to just let the giants be. They're peaceful creatures until they're attacked and bitten.

Here's the story behind that:
Standing in the crowd from front to back is Jill, Brett, Jim (who can see Brett's back, mostly) and Trent. Brett holds up his camera to take a picture. The flash apparently triggered some sort of crazy response in a man standing in front of Jill. The bearded wild animal turned around and frantically began swinging at Brett, causing us to all fall backwards. I thought a mosh pit was coming toward us, until I noticed Brett trying to defend himself from the rabid attacker, who was about a foot shorter and 70-80 pounds lighter (which led us to conclude he was crazy, because normal people just don't attack giants). Brett was eventally able to corral the fiesty dirtbag, after some help from Trent (solid punches to the top of the animal's head) and Jim (some sort of attempts to punch the man in the face, then rabbit punches to his ribs). Brett pulled his attacker into a headlock. Feeling trapped, the animals instict told him to bite, and bite hard. Through two layers of clothing the dog-man bit into Brett's breast, piercing the skin. Brett began to try and push the animal away, but found that it had a solid hold on his flesh, so he squeezed and squeezed until the little animal let go. Brett pinned the beast to the ground, at which time the crowd was able to seperate the men. The wild beast was frantic, challenging the giant to a battle, but it was not to be.

Fearing rabies Brett and Jill went to the police outside the show and while Brett received medical attention to his wounded tit, Jill led three policemen and a dog catcher into the crowd to find the animal-man. Later, as police were collecting statements, a fat boy who resembled one of those giant things that ate Fraggles, was lying to the police, saying that Brett was drumming his fingers on the animal's girlfriend's head and when the animal asked Brett to stop Brett attacked him. Luckily, standing nearby, I started telling him to stop lying, which in turn led the police to ask me to sit down and shut up. Later, I told them what really happened and tryed to show the woman how it would have been logistically impossible for Brett to both be holding his camera in the air and reaching around Jill to drum on a girl's head.

Jill got punched in the face.

Brett was taken to the hospital for a tetnis shot.


4.10.02

Next time you see the Jeep commercial where young adults walk across a river using the roof of a submerged Jeep as a bridge, pay attention to the disclaimer. As the Jeep drives out of the river:

"Not designed for underwater driving."

No shit.


4.8.02

One word I can never spell properly is "hamster."
Hampster.

I like grocery shopping. Even though I am poor at planning out meals to cook, I like going aisle by aisle picking out items to eat. And, since I'm sort of a grown man, I can buy whatever I want. Ice cream sandwiches. Chips. Cookies. Sausage. Salmon. 1% milk.

The bad part is that what looks good in the store and what I actually will ever cook are two very different things. This results in cupboards (cubbards?) full of items I don't want to eat and trashcans full of rotten green beans.


4.4.02

One great trick I heard goes as follows:

Go to a store or restautant and dig into one of those fishbowls that people drop their business cards into, you know, to win some sort of contest. Retrieve a handfull of cards. Go home, call the people and tell them they won the contest. Act real enthusiastic so they get fired up. Then the "winners" will get all excited and rush out to claim their prize, only to find out that they didn't win anything at all. I bet they'd be real pissed then.

Also, I found a picture I took of the crazy dancing people yesterday's item was about. To have a look log onto www.thelordoursavior.com. I only wish they had been facing me and dancing on land.

Add to list of States I Like: Missouri, Mexico


4.3.02

When I'm old and rich, I've going to be crazy as hell.
In Mexico we found a pair of individuals who were definately very far separated from reality. These "crazy people" as we called them, would wake up in the morning and come out to the pool and where they spent the entire day doing non-sensicle (if non-sensicle is a word) dances around the pool, in the pool and on the beach. The same type of dance, day in and day out. Sometimes the man gave himself bullhorns with his fingers, sometimes he looked like he was fishing and had a huge fish on the line, sometimes eating rice, sometimes picking grapes from a vine and sometimes he just hopped around. No two dances the same.

And when you looked at them, you could just tell their minds were in some other world, and their bodies had been left to dance and leap around the hotel. Word was, they were in some sort of cult and had been there 8 months. Fuck. No words I can say can do justice to the madness that was these crazy dancing people.

But, if you're ever at Playa Suites in Acapulco, drop by the pool. You just might get to witness this spectacle.


4.2.02

When did 70% of girls decide to pierce their belly-buttons?
That's a terrible idea. First of all, the belly button is something I don't ever want to talk about, look at or touch. Belly buttons make me nautious. If you try and touch mine, you better watch out, cause I'll be swinging fists of defensive fury. Second of all, having some sort of silver hoop piercing though that little area is not sexy, it's disturbing. It ranks up there with pierced nipples (and by the way, if a guy had pierced nipples, well, let's just say he might like other guys with pierced nipples more than girls). I want to yank those piercings out, so people can see how it makes me feel to just have to look at them.

So ladies, want something sexy? Try a nice plain, smooth stomach. No piercings. No butterfly tattoes. Au natural. But hey, maybe that's just me. Tongue rings, on the other hand, are good for girls to have.

4.1.02

Back from Mexico in one piece. What more could I ask for?
How about an explanation for this: You are not allowed to take batteries on flights leaving Mexico. No, let me clarify, you are not allowed to carry "extra" batteries on the plane. You can only bring the ones in an appliance of some sort.

How can batteries cause harm? And how can spare batteries in your bag possibly cause more harm than the two in your walk-man? Is there a bigger penalty if your bring d's than aaa's?

"Early this morning reports came in that a plane was forced to land just outside Mexico City as an irate passenger stood up and began waving around a pair of double-a batteries. They were believed to be Duracell. No one was harmed."

I think there must be some other explanation. Such as a battery shortage in Mexico. Or, perhaps battery companies own Mexico and simply confiscate the batteries and resell them.

Based on my conservative calculations:
10 batteries confiscated in 15 minutes = 40 in an hour
40 * 18 hour day = 720 batteries/day
720 bpd * 350 days (the airport might be closed 15 days of the year. It is Mexico, after all) = 252,000 batteries per year.


Not a bad amount of free batteries to get.


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