the lord our savior
February and March 2002
An archive of the lord our savior's beloved baby jesus editorials between February and March of 2002. Topics include taking batteries on airplanes, waking up naked on a couch, the running of the cans, pockets, circus freaks, Best Buy warranties, and a review of Super Bowl Commercials.
4.1.02
Back from Mexico in one piece. What more could I ask for?
How about an explanation for this: You are not allowed to take batteries on flights leaving Mexico. No, let me clarify, you are not allowed to carry "extra" batteries on the plane. You can only bring the ones in an appliance of some sort.
How can batteries cause harm? And how can spare batteries in your bag
possibly cause more harm than the two in your walk-man? Is there a bigger
penalty if your bring d's than aaa's?
"Early this morning reports came in that a plane was forced to land just
outside Mexico City as an irate passenger stood up and began waving around
a pair of double-a batteries. They were believed to be Duracell. No one
was harmed."
I think there must be some other explanation. Such as a battery shortage in Mexico. Or, perhaps battery companies own Mexico and simply confiscate
the batteries and resell them.
Based on my conservative calculations:
10 batteries confiscated in 15 minutes = 40 in an hour
40 * 18 hour day = 720 batteries/day
720 bpd * 350 days (the airport might be closed 15 days of the year. It is
Mexico, after all) = 252,000 batteries per year.
Not a bad amount of free batteries to get.
3.21.02
Curse the day when I'm "too old" to go on Spring Break. Meaning that when
I'm there people will point to me and say "What's that old guy doing on
Spring Break?"
Until then, I will continue to enjoy the phenomenon that is Spring Break
whenever possible.
3.20.02
A little Quote-Unquote of the day for you:
* "Numbers don't mean nothing. What you got to realize is, muscle wins more than fat and I'm a big man with a lot of big muscles."
-Shaquille O'Neal
And you wondered why he's called the Big Aristotle. Pure genius.
*note that this quote was borrowed from Line of the Night's Quote Of The
Night. If you'd like to receive L.O.N.'s daily NBA wrap-up please let me
know, but beware L.O.N. is "For true NBA heads only." The lord will vouch
for its greatness.
And while we're on the subject I'd just like to let everyone know I love
this game. The NBA, that is. A few years back, I don't think I could have
sat through a whole game. Now I crave NBA basketball.
Not the Jazz, though. Stupid Utah.
List of states I don't like so far: Ohio, Utah, Nebraska
3.19.02
Want an interesting high school nickname? How about "The Fighting
Orientals." I know what you're thinking, that can't really be the name of
a team in this day and age...but it is.
According to sources, "They used to have an actual asian guy with the funny
hat as a mascot."
Ahh, yes, the East High fighting orientals, from where else, but
backwards-ass Ohio.
Which pretty much explains it. No offense to any of my friends from Ohio,
but it's just not a good state.
http://www.eastcluster.info/
http://gozips.uakron.edu/~ss12/
Their mascot is now a dragon.
Also, if you have any feedback about tlos.com(aside from complaints about
how it is never updated), or know anyone who'd like to be added to this
e-mail list, log onto www.thelordoursavior.com, where there's now a guest
book.
3.16.02
If ever you wake up naked lying on a couch and aren't really sure where
your clothes are, there's a good chance the hot-tub had something to do
with that.
Also, let the world know of the deliciousness of tater-tots and french
toast sticks. Not together, but individually, these are treemendous items
to eat.
And last, but not least, be careful when running on an icy deck. Or a
slippery deck. Actually, just don't run on decks at all. Why risk it?
3.13.02
Right now the best writing on a sitcom in syndication is...not Friends...not Seinfeld...but Spin City. I was late getting on this bandwagon, but now that I've seen the glory I feel it is my duty to share.
Of course, any sitcom in syndication on cable is off the radar, as I do not have cable television. As a sleeper, Spin City takes the place of News Radio, Phil Hartman era. Best writing hands down, still the Simpsons.
And that is my opinion.
Conclusion, Spin City = good.
3.8.02
No one likes to have their e-mails returned to them as undeliverable, but if it has to happen, I wish all programs were as personable as this:
Hi. This is the qmail-send program at aux153.plano.net. I'm afraid I wasn't able to deliver your message to the following addresses. This is a permanent error; I've given up. Sorry it didn't work out.
Whoever wrote that program is funny. Well, funny for a computer programmer(sorry Shannon, you’re funny. Everess, you’re funny and smelly).
In more exciting news, today being a windy day, I was privy to what I like to call "the running of the cans." This event consists of garbage cans of all shapes and sizes deciding they should make a made dash across busy roads.
The first can, a round blue fellow of medium to large build, got off to a good start, making it across three lanes. Apparently, he had not been taught to look both ways, as he was quickly pinned between the front bumper of an Envoy and the pavement. After being pushed a short while, the Envoy spit the can out, allowing him to complete his trip across the road. Were his injuries worth the glory of completing the run?
"Of course. The risk of injury is what makes this fun," the garbage can
said.
As we neared the next can, I pointed out the window and warned him, "Careful, your friend didn’t fare so well (laugh, laugh)." Yes, I was talking to garbage cans.
A few houses down, a square garbage can had found that squares don’t roll nearly as well as circles. Lying helplessly on his side, he had fallen before he could even step off the curb. An ironic twist of fate, his boxy physique keeping him from the certain danger he had trained so hard for.
Next we passed a recycling bin who chickened out just short of the road. Apparently, he hadn’t told his top, who flew into the road. Another unfortunate victim of the running of the cans.
Young cans can still be seen dashing across their yards and driveways, practicing for they day when they will be ready for the big dance.
3.7.02
One thing that does not cost very much, but would probably bring me great happiness is a back scratcher. I've never owned one, but I've always wanted to.
back scratch > massage, in my opinion.
3.6.02
Who designs pants/trousers/slacks? Can it be that hard for them to make pockets the proper size? As a general rule, if your pocket isn't deep enough to hold a pen, or fit your entire hand in, it's too small. Now, maybe it's ok to give girls small pockets, because they have purses. But come on, I've got a lot of shit to carry
around. Including change. There's nothing worse than sitting down somewhere and having a pocket full of change slip out of my little-ass pocket and drop all over the chair/floor. I've made the mistake of buying little-pocket pants for the last time.
"aaaaaaaahhhhh, I've got a basketball jones....I've got a basketball
jones...." Yes.
3.1.02
If the police ever need a tip on where to look for some criminals, I think they should try the circus. Because how far removed from reality does someone have to be when they decide to spend their life travelling around with a bunch of animals, freaks, daredevils and clowns?
"Hmmm, I can swallow knives. That sounds much better than having a regular
job. I bet I could even have a straw bed."
And after they make that decision, things can't get any better. Not travelling around with a giant tent full of degenerates. Plus, they're always moving from one city to the next. Put your head in a lion's mouth, commit some crimes, move away. Repeat. Sounds like a plan to me.
I just can't believe a human would actually choose to live their life as a circus performer. If you ask me, those people are all some sort of criminals.
2.27.02
Let this be a warning to you all about purchasing things at stores. Also,
let it be a funny story:
"Holy shit it is amazing the way things get treated before hitting the
shelves. here are a couple examples. the other night we were stocking
computer monitors, we had them stocked on top of shelves i would say close
to 20 feet high. according to compaq, the monitors are packaged to
withstand a 25' drop. well the guy that was lining them up had a hard time
believing this was true, so he decided we were going to test it out. he
just fucking slid a 17" monitor to the edge and let her go. i would say it
was a good 17-18 foot drop. he put a little x on the box and told everyone
next time someone buys a monitor with no service plan to give them that
one. amazing....you should have seen the smile on his face when that
monitor hit the floor. it was god damn ridiculous. things get thrown,
kicked, stood on like you wouldn't believe."
That's great. No wonder my PS II is fucked up.
Thanks to the secret source at the unidentified store, if it is even a store.
2.25.02
There's not much better than playing golf on a Sunday afternoon in the middle of February. Especially in Michigan. Praise the lord our savior for global warming.
2.21.02 is better than 2/21/02.
When you are on vacation, no matter how entertaining you think it is, calling your friends who are at work in a shitty-weathered state is not funny. However, it is in fact funny to whomever is on vacation.
Also, no one likes to be reminded they owe you $100, or that the interest makes the owed total $400. It just makes them feel like a cheap-ass.
Can I get a refund on that club, doc? It seemed to stop working near the end of last season. Isn't there some sort of warranty?
2/14/02
How is it that when guys are at the bar, we feel pressured to buy girls drinks? Even if you're not interested in them, or you're sure no sex will ever come of it, men will often pick up one or two drinks for a girl. In this age of equality, what sense does this make? You want equal pay for equal work? Buy your own fucking drinks.
Luckily, being a cheap bastard enables me to pay for only my drinks.
2/6/02
Yes, the Super Bowl is over and as was sort of expected by the lord, Ty Law and Tom Brady emerged victorious over Marshall Faulk. But more important that the game, of course, were the commercials. So here’s the first ever TLOS review of Super Bowl Advertising, the good, the bad, and the ugly. As I work in the industry, all opinions expressed are expert opinions and are not open for argument or criticism.
THE GOOD
Budweiser and Bud Light
The overall winner this year had to be Budweiser and Bud Light. With greats such as The Hawk, Sedrick the Entertainer’s spot, the guy and the girl buying cards for eachother and battlebots, Anhueser-Busch should be well pleased. Weak links in this group were the crying horses, satin sheets (though this seems to be a crowd pleaser, maybe I’ll have to take another look) and the cowboy in the "howyoudoin" bar. Enough with the "wassup" campiagn, already.
M&M’s
This one was a real gem. M&M: Can I watch tv? Human: No. That’s humor,
my friends. Notch a victory for mascots.
VISA
Six degrees of Kevin Bacon, in real life. I didn’t get a real good look at
it, but the concept is funny to me.
Quizno’s
Shooting a fat lady in the neck with a dart, a hand-guillotine? What this
has to do with subs I’m not entirely sure, but it definitely has something
to do with good.
Charles Schwab
Hank Aaron trying to talk Barry Bonds into retirement. Good stuff from the
boys who brought us "you don’t know your elbows from your assets."
Monster.com
The woman repeating everything her interview says and then having a job as
a court reporter. Clever.
THE BAD
Subway
The only spot I want to see featuring Jared is one entitled "Jared’s
Funeral." Speaking of, I’d also watch a spot entitled "Clay Henry Burns In
House Fire."
Taco Bell
And I thought the spanish dog was bad. Good slogan, though (think outside
the bun).
Pepsi
As much as I like to look at Brittany Spears, this is as annoying a
campaign as Pepsi has ever done. "For those who think young." What the
hell? Has that agency lost it’s mind? How about a spot where Brittany is
lying on a beach, bottle-caps covering her nipples and a can over her
stuff. That’s better.
Anti-Drug
You can’t convince me that buying an eighth from some local dope-head flew
those planes into the trade center. That’s just fucking stupid.
Dockers
No one wants to see men in black dresses. You can do better.
THE FRIGHTENING
Lipton Brisk
I know I’m not the only one scared of those little clay people.
Creeeeeepy.
Levi’s
That guy’s legs make me want to hide under my bed. He should stay indoors.
THE ANNOYING
Blockbuster
You’re a maniac if you liked this dumb-ass spot.
MOST UNPROVED
e-trade
How they fucked up a commercial with a monkey in it is beyond me. They
should have stuck to the yokels/monkey combo. It was a winner.
The rest I either don’t remember or don’t feel are worth mentioning.
That’s all for now.
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