the lord our savior

January 2002

01.31.03

Tape is an underappreciated commodity.


01.30.03

Here's an idea on how to meet girls (or guys) at the gym:

From now on when you go, wear one of those ski mask hats that covers your face. Never talk to anyone. Play basketball, work out, use the treadmills, swim laps in the pool, all the regular activities, except you'll be wearing a ski mask, so people won't know who you are. If anyone tries to talk to you, growl and say in a deep, fake voice "Please leave me alone." And, you should also wear a cape. Eventually, people will want to know who you are and what your deal is. All sorts of stories will go around and wa-la, you're famous.

Mostly, I think that people should start wearing capes more. Why are capes just for super hero's and Zorro? I think people would feel a lot better about themselves with a cape on. Plus, you could design some sort of symbol for yourself and put it on your cape.

Me, I'd just have a solid cape. I don't like to be too flashy.


01.27.03

So the SuperBowl is over. Not really the exciting game we'd been hoping for, but at least we had the commercials to look forward to. Sort of. Maybe expectations are too high. Maybe I’ve seen too many commercials. Whatever the case, this year’s batch of Super Bowl spots was mediocre at best. And with that said, here is the second annual TLOS Super Bowl Spot Review.

THE BEST

Office Violence.
By far the best spot for my money. The fact that I didn’t know what it was for didn’t detract at all from watching Terrance Tate, office linebacker in action. I can’t wait to see this spot again. It makes me roar in laughter and fury. Aaaaarrrrggghh! Eat it, bitch!

Zerba Referee Replay
The second best spot of the night. Obvious. Clean. Clever. Just plain goodness. “that guy’s kind of a jackass.” “Actually, I think it’s a zebra.”

23 vs 39
Jordan vs. Jordan. Great concept. Fairly good execution. If there’s a longer version I’d like to see it. Just came off kind of flat.

Sex and Marijuana
A classic last minute twist that was shockingly effective. Kind of made me want to go get high and have sex.

Exploding Truck
For some reason destruction is great. I like the idea of that truck driving all over without anyone operating it. Plus, I remember what the product was and that the point of the commercial was. That’s effective. Monster.com, a spot in "THE BEST" two years running. Good work.

THE WORST

Hanes No-Tag T-Shirts.
Now I like Jackie Chan as much as the next guy, but this spot was downright embarrassing. Terrible music. Terrible action. Terrible everything. I wonder if Jordan saw the final cut before it was released. If he did, he should have insisted he be taken out of it. Awful.

Buffalo Visions
Who thunk this one up? “Hey, let’s have a bunch of buffalo run through the city and then they run by some kids in jeans.” Those buffalo looked incredibly fake. What was the point? Stupid. I’m never buying Levi’s. Kind of makes me miss Buddy Lee.

Jared’s Dream
The only company to have a spot in "THE WORST" two years running. I hate Jared. I hate Subway. I hate Jared’s fat-faced wife. I hate whoever allows Jared to continue on as a spokesperson. I wish I could jam a whole sub into Jared’s fat dumb mouth and choke him with it. I don’t really wish that. I wish to be Hugh Heffner.

Cadillac Time Warp
Was this supposed to be clever, groundbreaking advertising? It wasn’t. However, it was boring. And ineffective.

Upchucking for Dodge
Predictable. Crude. The only redeeming thing was the look the driver gave the passenger at the end of the spot. And the fact that there was beef jerky.

Car Song
At least the car looked somewhat cool, but based on hating Celine Dion, this was terrible.

THE REST

Taxing Willie
A good spot from a financial company? Not that great, but listening to Willie when he had that shaving cream on, ”it’s burning my face. My face is burning.” That’s funny.

Sierra Mist Monkey
I don’t like the Sierra Mist campaign idea, but you can’t deny the greatness of monkeys. Another notch in the belt of what I call “good advertising,” which consists of monkeys, midgets and mascots.

Sierra Mist Fire Hydrant
They should just put a monkey in every spot. They’re funny.

Quizno’s Don’t Worry
I feel like I’ve seen this idea ten times. The only good part of this spot was the chef’s dead bird at the beginning. I wonder who allowed that to go in. Usually I’d think you’d want to steer clear of dead pets in food ads.

Ozzie Freaks Out
Pepsi did the right thing jumping on the Ozzie bandwagon. And as much as I like Ozzie’s incoherent babbling, this was still only mediocre. Despite all the hype it’s received, I think this could have been better.

FedEx Castaway
Very predictable. Not bad, but not the best. Some sort of clever button with the Wilson volleyball would have been good, I bet.

Bud Lite
A variety of spots, most pretty decent. The best moment of these spots came from the upside down clown spot, where the clown, already drinking a beer through his “ass” asks “Can I get one of those hot dogs?” “I don’t think so.” That’s classic. The dog-as-dreadlocks spot was terrible. The fat-ass mom spot, lowbrow and insulting to fat moms. And fat daughters. The world’s strongest man, predictable but still kind of funny. I’d like to be sitting in the room when these ideas are presented to the client…”So here’s the idea, it’s a guy in an upside down clown suit, so when he drinks, the bottle goes, you ready for this, in his ass!” Yep, that sells beer.

Visa Check Card
The Tiki and Ronde update, saved by “that’s funny, you’ll be playing in the Superbowl, and you’ll be at home watching it.” It’s funny because it’s true. And the Yao-Yo spot. Would have been funnier with less yo’s. It was funny the first 1-2 times and just old the next. Also if someone offered him a yo-yo, he could have said “Yao, Yao.”

THE UNCOMFORTABLE

4 out of 5
Whatever gum company this was for, Trident I think, should not have made that squirrel climb up that man's pants and bite his balls. Now whenever I'm shopping for gum I'll look at Trident and think, "They thought it was funny to have a rodent bite a man's genitals." That made me hold my boys and assure them I would never allow such a thing to happen. Not funny.

Any other spots were probably not that good, since I can't remember them. In related news, Buffalo Wild Wings makes great wings. I love Hot BBQ. Mmmmmm...also, any recipe that involves a pound of butter is something I guarantee I'll like.


In response to this section, we were lucky enough to receive a response from our overseas correspondent, the soon to be famous Suzi of Amsterdam:

“Loved your super bowl commercial reviews. Not necessarily because of their literary value, or even artistic commentary... but mostly because I moved to Amsterdam three weeks ago, and nothing has demonstrated the glaring cultural gap between America and Holland more than the broadcasting of the biggest annual event in the world of "American football". While living in the United States, I tuned in to the super bowl ONLY to watch the high-budget, high-concept commercials. Here, the super bowl is the least watched television program of the ENTIRE YEAR... I would imagine that they pay clients to give their advertising slots away. Hence, a slim line-up of poorly made commercials for terrible products backed by annoyingly produced cassette-tape quality music.

Just to give you an idea of what I mean, I have taken the liberty of reviewing the commercials that aired over and over and over again, in the same order, for the entirety of the evening.

COMMERCIAL #1: Shaving cream.
The worst commercial I've EVER seen. Rivals the 70's "Deitrich Furs" commercial that ran even into the 90's on American T.V. You know the one... with the models skiing in full length fur coats? Anyway, this one is worse. And in Dutch. It's so poorly made, that I didn't even know it was for shaving cream until the 10th or 20th viewing. I thought it was for butter? makeup? maybe chocolates? It opens with a shot of a container (their shaving cream apparently comes in a Pond's cold-cream-esque screw top container) against a white background. Then shows a brush falling in slow motion onto the container. Then shows a screen that says the forgettable Dutch product name and "since 1559". The worst thing about it is the HORRIBLE soundtrack-- fifteen repetitive notes of classical music that I have now developed a pavlovian eye-clawing response to.

COMMERCIAL #2: Magazine?
The question mark is included because I'm not exactly sure that that's what the ad was for. Either way, the whole commercial is comprised of close-up Handicam shots of really ugly people shopping in a grocery store. Not "wouldn't it be funny if we had hilariously ugly people in this to prove a point?" ugly... more like "mommy said I could be in a commercial because I look awesome in my glamour shots" ugly. The worst kind of ugly. You know the ugly. The spot ends with a shot of a magazine called "PARTY", whose headline reads "Ron, this is your son". I'm sorry. Maybe it's the language barrier, but what? If you can't make English make sense for you, then don't use it. Seriously. I'd rather not know what you're saying then wonder why you're saying it.

COMMERCIAL #3: Shaving Cream.
See above review. These played in this order during EVERY single commercial break.

COMMERCIAL #4: ???
So forgettable, I can't even remember what it was. But do remember bad colored lettering graphics circa 1982 blue screen room.

COMMERCIAL #5: Shaving Cream.
Not even kidding.

I have to say, I've never really been a football fan, but stripping the event to its bare essentials gave me an entirely different viewing experience... perhaps closer to that intended by the sport in the first place.”

Thank you Suzi.


01.22.03

If you only eat it once a month or so, McDonalds can be pretty damned good sometimes. Taste-wise, that is. Not health-wise. But there are a few rules you should follow in order to make your dining experience more enjoyable.

First, don't order anything that's not classic McDonalds. Skip the new flatbread sandwich. The breakfast burrito. The mighty wings. Anything they add to the menu in order to trick you into thinking it might be actual food you're eating.

Next, time your order so your fries will be fresh. This can make or break your trip. If you watch and order only when the last of the on-deck fries have been given to someone else, you're guaranteed yours will be piping hot.

When eating Chicken McNuggets, chew only until the bite is swallowable. The more you chew, the finer the nugget is grinded down, the more likely you are to find something you don't like. Trust me on this one, I speak from experience. Of course, if you do chew each nugget thoroughly, there's a chance you could win something similar to the “Chicken Head Nugget" lottery, and you're probably going to be a millionaire.

Also, don’t ever question if the chicken is chicken of the beef is beef, etc. Some things are better left unknown. Besides, we all know their "burgers" are really just sawdust mixed with some sort of burger-flavored solution.

On a different note, yesterday a co-worker made a great point regarding fast food. To paraphrase the great Marcus Reichard...why even offer Diet Coke at McDonalds? Who are you kidding? When you're ordering a Big Mac and a large fries, what good do you think that Diet Coke is doing you?
Give it up, you're fat. Get a regular Coke.

I won't even go into that lawsuit being filed by fat people because McDonalds made them fat. Not only should those people not be awarded any money, but anyone who claims they "thought McDonalds food was healthy" should be punished in some way for being fools. Maybe make them wear dunce caps.

And on a completely different note, here’s something kind of good.

http://raditts.com/phyles/karatechimp.mpg

You know when a website address contains the word "karatechimp" you're in for a treat. Thank to Everess for that gem.


01.20.03

Here's a little quote-unquote of the day:
"If it's going to be bad, it might as well be the worst."
-sjb, the hawk


01.17.03

One of the best things at the zoo is the penguin house. Watching those fellows waddle about and play is good, clean fun. Here's a little news clipping on that note from the bay area...

SAN FRANCISCO -- A few penguins swimming leisurely at the San Francisco Zoo is nothing new. But dozens of them doing laps in unison for hours has zookeepers perplexed. "We've lost complete control," said Jane Tollini, the zoos penguin keeper. "It's a free-for-all in here."

If only the penguins would escape and walk around the city...much thanks to Hubbles In Troubles for passing this along.

In related news, copies of "MVP: Most Valuable Primate" have been flying off the shelves. This film tells the incredible story of a chimpanzee, who to avoid being sent to a research lab is accidentally sent to Canada. And what else could a monkey do in Canada but play hockey. A monkey playing hockey. That's the very definition of comedy. Though I haven't seen it, I'll bet it puts Air Bud to shame. Get yourself a copy while you can.

A monkey playing hockey. Ha.

http://www.bestbuy.com/movies/productInfo.asp?m=270&e=11036791#SY


01.13.03

Is there anything worse than being tricked? Yep. Being tricked into attending some sort of Amway presentation. This happened to me once. And in remembering it, I feel I should share my story in hopes that I can save someone from the same fate. It ended up being a much longer piece than I had intended, so be patient. It comes from years of Amway rage and is actually a combination of three or four stories.

First, let me preface this by telling you about The Murphy’s. My family moved in across the street from the Murphy’s when I was about 13. They had a son my age, Dana, who was colorblind. Both Mr. and Mrs. Murphy were high school teachers. Both coached tennis. And they supplemented their income by rising to high levels in the Amway cultporation. For those who don’t know, Amway is a sort of pyramid scheme. Someone gets you to start buying Amway products from them, for which they receive a % of the profits. Then you have the opportunity to get people to buy through you and you get a % of the profits. Then if those people get more people to buy from them, you get a small % of that as well. And so on and so forth.

(http://www.amway.com/)

The Murphy’s had a whole room of their house dedicated to Amway. Shelves and shelves of Amway product. Amway shampoo. Amway toilet paper. Amway fruit roll-ups. Amway fake tan lotion (which turns you orange). Amway boxer shorts. You name it, Amway makes it, and the Murphy’s had it in their “warehouse”. For the duration of my friendship with Dana, he endured constant Amway abuse. “Hey Dana, did you get those pants with Amway points?” You see, the more the Murphy’s sold, the more points they accumulated to spend on Amway things. At one point they bought a camper, which we all assumed had been purchased for 50,000 Amway points.

Anyways, the Murphy’s provided me with an in-depth look at the Amway lifestyle. It was not for me.

Which leads me to the summer of my first year in college. I was running a branch of a painting company. Working late on one of the houses we were painting, I was approached by the home-owner’s son.

Long story short, he talked a lot of flattering talk (i.e. “you’re a sharp guy” “you seem to have a pretty good business sense”) and ended with, “I’m going a meeting tomorrow evening with some pretty important people about a business opportunity. I thought you might be interested.” Well, far be it from me to pass up a business opportunity, so I agreed to meet him. He said to be at the Novi Hilton at 6 p.m. the next night. At that point I thought, this sounds like either a legitimate business meeting or this man wants to have sex with me.

So, dressed in a suit, carrying a leather-bound notebook I showed up at the Hilton looking very business-like. He met me in the lobby and I followed him to the “meeting room”. When we walked in, I knew right away I had been tricked. It was a giant presentation room, with about 300 seats, already filling up with fools. Fuck, I thought, I should have known. Amway.

So there I sat, in a folding chair, dressed in a suit. Next to me sat a heavy-set woman in a flannel shirt. Next to her, a man with three teeth. The room was filled with people who were high on hope and probably fairly low on wit. For the next hour or so I listened to rags to riches success stories. Then, after a rousing round of applause, the cult’s leader explained how we could all double our income by working only a few extra hours a week. He was up there preaching about the American dream and all I wanted to do was leave, embarrassed at having been taken in by such a crude hoax.

Finally, during the first “intermission” I excused myself and was getting ready to slip out when who did I see but…Dana goddamn Murphy! Standing in the lobby with his parents, eating a Snickers bar. Are you kidding me? I know one person in the whole world who is involved with Amway and I see him at this meeting? I thought for sure that Amway was his parents’ venture and that he’d endured enough ridicule throughout his formative years to steer clear of that type of enterprise in the future. Apparently not. I talked to him for a minute, explaining the man’s clever ruse and my anger at having been tricked, then left, still shaking my head in disbelief.

So, I had been tricked and it made me fairly angry. But it doesn’t end there. It never ends. That man called me about once a week for the next two months, trying to pressure me into joining. And, since I am the world’s lease assertive person, I felt bad telling him I thought his business was stupid and that I hated him for tricking me. Instead, I kept making excuses for why I couldn’t be a part of his cult.

Unfortunately, Amway was one step ahead of me.

You see, at the Amway training academy they have a session that teaches new members a counter-point for every excuse you could possibly imagine. The Amway training program also removes from its members any and all ability to sense disinterest. When I tell you I don’t have time, it means I’m not interested. But he countered with “Not even a few hours a week? You’re an organized guy. There’s 168 hours each week, you can find two hours.” Nope. Not even two, sorry. “Not even a half hour a week?” NO! Not a half hour, not ten minutes, not even one goddamn second! Take a fucking hint! I don’t want to be a part of your stupid cult! Stop calling me.

Eventually I just stopped answering his calls. I wouldn’t be surprised if I got a call from him tomorrow asking if I had looked over the materials he gave me or given any more thought to joining up. Those Amwayans are persistent, I’ll give ’em that.

And so, I had learned my lesson the hard way. I vowed never again to be duped like that again. As it turns out, I got a chance to put my new knowledge to work a few months ago.

Dana Murphy had gone off to Montana for college and then traveled around the world in some sort of delusional Captain Adventure manner before returning home to become a substitute teacher and help his dad coach high school football. I figured I’d give him a call, get a beer and catch up. After all, I didn’t have shit else to do.

Well, when I rang him up we talked for a few minutes before I asked if he wanted to get a beer or something. To which he replied, “As a matter of fact, I was going to call you. I’ve got my business partner coming into town tomorrow night and I thought maybe we could come over and talk to you about this business opportunity.” Get the fuck out of here. Three years without talking to him and he’s already hitting me up with his Amway bullshit? Ballsy.

I asked him to tell me about his “business opportunity” and he started tap-dancing around. “I promised my partner I wouldn’t talk to you about it until we were both there.” So we can both pressure you and make you uncomfortable. “It’s an internet venture.” It’s internet Amway(www.quixtar.com). And so, I decided just to lay it down. I told him, “Dana, if you want to go get a beer or whatever, fine, but I'm not going to sit through your internet Amway presentation. It would be a waste of my time and yours. I’m not interested. ”

Didn’t he remember all the jokes we used to make about his family’s vacations being purchased with Amway points? All the ridicule? Didn’t he remember how angry I was when I saw him at the Hilton after being tricked into my last Amway meeting? Nope. The Amway training program must also teach its members to forget any memories they have where others express disinterest in Amway. It teaches its members to believe that everyone is very interested in joining the Amway cult and that if they pretend not to be, they just want you to bother them until they join. Dana applied all the usual Amway tactics. Promising large cash incentives for a minimal time investment. Just trying to get his foot in the door. But it was not to be.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

When he realized I had won, he asked why? Why couldn’t I spend ten minutes a week to make a lot more money and join his cult? I told him exactly why. Because no amount of money is worth having to put my friends and family in the position he was putting me in. I don’t care to spend ten minutes or even one minute pressuring people I know into doing something that they clearly (well, at least clearly to non-Amway folk) don’t want to do.

He then, sounding very dejected, wondered, “why is it that when I give people the presentation they always seem pretty interested, but no one ever signs up?” At this point I thought it was my duty to enlighten Dana to the practice of “being polite.” Because once tricked into letting him in the door, people were usually polite. Polite enough to sit nodding, with a smile on their face, as he did his song and dance, when really, all they were thinking about was booting his ass out the front door.

I thought that had hurt his feelings. Then he asked, “well, can I talk to your parents?’ Nope.

This weekend I was talking to an old friend and the subject of Dana came up. We rehashed our “Dana tried to make me join Amway” stories, because had Dana contacted every person he ever met in an attempt to recruit them. I learned that Dana’s sister just got married a few weeks ago. The only thing I could think of was Mr. Murphy going to the pulpit and addressing the crowd as the ushers passed out brochures...

“It’s good to see so many friendly faces gathered here today. Before we get this wedding started, I want to give you a little presentation. It’s about this business opportunity…”

A wedding, The ultimate Amway trick.

You know who’d be good candidates for joining Amway? The Raeliens.


01.09.03

Just when you thought you’d seen the craziest people, someone crazier appears. Like the Raeliens. Claiming to have cloned the first humans, these Raeliens believe that all life on earth was created by the Elohim, an alien race. Hmmmmm...

Now, there’s not much more concrete evidence behind conventional religious beliefs than those of the Raeliens, which led a Raelien scientist to proclaim, “I came across this hypothesis of creation by alien beings,” Kaenzig explained, “and this was the most rational explanation of the origin of life here on earth.”

That’s waaaay more rational than evolution. That a spaceship landed and threw out some animals and humans. Hell, why not. If humans were created by a God, then why not by some aliens. I'm game.

So, while it may seem irrational to most people, the belief has picked up some followers. 55,000 follows to be approximate. Fifty-five thousand. Christ. That’s more than a cult. That’s a small city. And in fact, it is a small city. In Canada. And what did they choose to name this place?

UFOland.

Are you fucking kidding me? U-F-O-land. I don’t think I could think of a more ridiculous name for that place. Even "Alienville" sounds more legitimate. The name alone should be reason enough to dismiss the crazy claims of this clan.

Here are some other items of note:

“One of Rael’s first lessons from the aliens, when he boarded their spaceship in central France in 1973, was that for thousands of years Jews and Christians had been mistranslating the very first line of the Bible. The Hebrew word ‘Elohim,’ he maintains, rendered as ‘God,’ is actually a plural noun meaning ‘those who come from the sky.’”

Could it be true? If so, this would further back my beliefs that the bible is simply a book of stories. And this development would make it the world’s first science-fiction novel.

Also, “Their apocalyptic vision is uncommonly benign, and involves training a cadre of attractive young women (Rael’s “Order of Angels”) to welcome the aliens when they return, sometime before 2035.”

Now we’re talking. I'll be waiting. But I won't be holding my breath.

Although it discusses cloning quite a bit and I’d rather read about the crazy Raeliens, here’s the article.

http://www.msnbc.com/news/855014.asp?cp1=1#BODY

Thanks to the Hawk, who most likely was turned on to this article by one of his co-workers, who could very well be a Raelien.


01.08.03

One thing that's great to me is that for some reason an acceptable way to fix electronics is to bang on them.

Seems you should do the opposite, like be gentle.

But it's the banging that seems to fix things. And if the device is small enough, you can sometimes shake it into working.




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