the lord our savior

April and May 2002


An archive of the lord our savior's beloved baby jesus editorials between April and May of 2001. Topics include hawaiian shirts, television, parental bragging, name droppers, smoke breaks, elevators and mall workers.



5/29/01

I had a lot of things to talk about on this day, unfortunately, I didn't get a chance to update the site and I forgot most of them. Perhaps as the week goes on I will remember some, but don't count on it. I need to start writing things down.

I do know that I am gald I'm not a news figure or some sort of celebrity. Huel Perkins, of channel 2 news fame, hosted an event I went to last night and it seems that after years in that type of business your face molds into some sort of "perma-bullshit-grin." Seeing that man's mug up close really rattled me. It was almost like he was wearing a big dumb grinning mask.

Also, the event was an awards banquet for high school kids. The team that won the contest (details not important here) were nerds, but their leader, the head nerd, was terrible. He had written a victory speech, which mostly acknowledged how good he was and how his mom helped him. One day soon he will have to learn about "team" so that people don't have to stand behind him looking sad and stupid while he gloats and preaches.

That's all for today.


5/25/01

One thing that I hope I remember when I am older is that it is not good to wear Hawaiian shirts to work. Especially with no t-shirt underneath. And more especially when you tuck it into your pants. No matter how cool the place you work at is or how hairy your chest, there's no excuse for such foolishness. Unless, of course, you live in Hawaii and are some sort of a private investigator.

Speaking of PI, it seems to me that Magnum,PI may have been a sort of male escort. I mean really, who is going to let some grown man live in their pool-house in Hawaii and drive their Porsche around? Or was it a Ferrari? Regardless, Magnum's "arrangement" with Higgins, who was quite a feminine british lad, is just a bit too peculiar. Magnum never really had a real girlfriend, he wore extra short shorts and didn't have a real job. I believe that Higgins was Magnum's sugar daddy, because there are no such things as private investigators. They only exist in mystery novels and television shows.


5/24/01

Please, don't ever say to me while I am watching a funny movie, "Why aren't you laughing?" That might be the dumbest question I've ever been asked. If the movie was that damned funny, how would you even notice that I'm not laughing? Next time someone asks me that, I plan to spit in their face, chuckle and say to them, "Now that, my friend, is comedy."


5/23/01

Sometimes watching television makes me very happy. Last night I sat and watched the last two episodes of the Soprano's. At some point during the shows I realized that I was thoroughly enjoying myself. Then I started to think, what in the lord's name did people do before television. Your answer may be that they listened to the radio. But before that there was something. Books maybe. But a man can only read so many books.

I think that the world was probably a better place when books were king. People were more grounded in the world around them. Their family, friends, work, neighbors, etc. were all forms of entertainment. Back then, people didn't have television as a way to escape from having to interact with other humans. Can you imagine spending tv time with your family minus the tv? Christ, people even have tv's in the kitchen or dining room tables in the living room so that tv can relieve them of forced conversation. We've reached an age when we need something to distract us so that we don't realize how dumb we all are.

And that's not all television does. It also puts the American dream out of reach for most people. Think about it. Before television became mainstream, how much did actors make? How much did professional athletes make? Sure, they may have had above average salaries, but I bet it was nowhere near A-Rod's bankroll. Television shouldn't be known as the idiot box, it should be known as the greed box. Now that people can see all the places they'll never get to go, see all the things they'll never get to do, and see how much money they'll never have, they feel farther from happiness than ever (well, some people do).

Personally, I have nothing against television. Sure, I think America is worse off for having it. I think my generation's children will be empty-headed, feeble-bodied simpletons. But tv has always been there for me. It makes me laugh. It gives me something to talk to people about. It shows me things I might otherwise not see. TV makes my life better, mostly because everyone else lives in the same tv world as me. I'll tell you, I've gone about 6 months without tv and I didn't miss it a bit. Yes, I did fill those extra hours with heavy drinking and sleeping. But, isn't that what life is really about?

I think I will like to go live in the woods.

So long as I have an extension cord, a tv and some rabbit ears.


5/22/01

Over a week since last I updated the site, my apologies. It seems that sometimes there are more important things than playing on the internet, such as work and sleep. However, I will try not to let these things get in the way for such extended periods of time in the future.

Let's get started.
One thing that people need to learn is not to brag about their children too much. These braggers, sort of like name droppers, jump at every opportunity to tell you something about their children. Now granted, having pride in your family is a good thing, but some people do not know when to quit.

"Junior just got hired by a new law firm, blah blah blah, and the lawyers said they were lucky to have Junior because he's so smart and I said I know, and they said, no you don't, he's really a genius and the best person ever."

And then things start to happen, and the Braggers begin putting refreshing spin on the stories they tell you.

"Junior got fired, but it was because he was doing too good of a job. His bosses didn't expect him to do so well so quickly and there was just no room for him to advance."

"Now, Junior's in a drug clinic. Turns out he was so smart he had trouble dealing with his smartness and goodness. When he gets out he'll be going to medical school and he will become a famous painter and poet."

And on and on they go. The thing is, they are quite often not fooling anyone. Many times we know the people they are talking about, and sure, they may be bright, but they are not the second coming of christ, as their parents would have us believe. The more blah blah blah bragging we hear, the less likely we are to believe things and the more suspicious we become (and by "we", I mean "I"). And, when we have to listen to the story ten times, it makes it that many times worse.

Eventually, that parent will brag to the wrong person, who will tell them that their child is a mediocre person with a drug problem, the cause of which probably roots back to poor parenting. Ha, take that, bragger.


5/14/01

Broaden your horizons. You never know what you might like without trying it. And I am not refering to illegal drugs or gay sex. I am, however, talking about Frisbee Golf.


5/10/01

Name droppers. We all know them. We all wish they would shut their mouths about who they know, or whose daughter they have lunch with sometimes.

Name droppers go out of their way to draw you into a conversation in which they will tell you about their relations to some famous person in order to impress you. Unfortunately, they make it so obvious that they are doing this it is all the normal person can do to not say, "So what? Why do I care that you roommate dated Louie Anderson's nephew?"

Now a name dropper is not to be confused with the common man who will on occasion tell a story about a brief encounter with a famous person. For example, someone might tell me that they saw the fat kid from Remember The Titans when they were waiting for their plane in LA. Then I would tell a story about how when I was in Vegas I stood at a table and watched Dan Akroid, hooker on arm and Hell's Angel bodyguard at his back, play some roulette.

A name dropper, on the other hand, would say something like, "Oh yeah, the other day when I was in Vegas, me and Danny played some roulette, you know Dan Akroid?" Yes, we know who Dan Akroid is, and shut up. Not only will the dropper tell you once, but they will bomb you with the same story every opportunity they get. You will soon have to avoid any conversation about Vegas, Dan Akroid, Roulette and tables all together in order to not hear that god-forsaken story again.

So name droppers, just remember, we don't care who you know, and if you bother us initially, telling us about famous people you knw certainly won't help. Although, one day I hope to know a lot of famous people.

And, finish pose. Thank you, thank you.

any part of this that offends any name droppers I know, don't take it personally, it's just the name dropping I dislike


5/9/01

My vote for "not that good, annoying jingle of the year that I can never get out of my head" goes to:

JB Robinson's Jewelers,
because, when the moment has to be truely special,
(background singer) special,
just remember these love letters
(everyone sings together) J - B - R
J B Rooobinsons, (background singer)JB Robinsons

Maybe it's just something about jewelry jingles. I also get that stupid "Every kiss begins with Kay" slogan for Kay's Jewelry in my head too. But JB has drilled his song into my head and it will forever haunt me, as I march through the halls, singing it under my breath, matching the steps I take to the rythm of the song.


5/7/01

Today's rant: Smoking-Ass Elevators

The elevators at my building pose a few unusual problems. The first, and most frightening of which, I refer to as "I dare you" actions taken by said elevators.

For instance, sometime the elevator while going up or down will rattle terribly, making you think you will soon be falling to a firey death. Elevators should ride smoothly, up and down, not shake from side to side.

Or, it is even better when you enter the elevator only to discover the strong odor of an electrical fire (this happens about twice a month). Riding 25 stories above the earth in something that works using computer and electric type objects is usually safer when these parts are not on fire or melting.

The last, and most interesting "dare", the elevators have posed came today. After pressing the down button and waiting a few moments, I was pleased to hear the ding of the elevator's arrival. Much to my dismay, when the door opened, the elevator's floor was about chest high, allowing me to see the elevator shaft and all sorts of cords. Huh, I thought, as the doors closed, that didn't seem right. The elevator redinged a second later and opened the doors once again, this time much too low for me to ever board. There's something unsettling about seeing elevator doors open and having only a little bit of actual elevator interior lined up correctly. So, after closing its doors and disappearing for a few seconds, it arrived again. Dinging and re-opening the doors--six inches--it closed the for the last time and went away, laughing. I stood, jaw dropped in amazement. Then I got on the next elevator to arrive.

Despite this, I still have to ride those death boxes up and down all day long. We have now established that, if anything, elevators are unsafe. In addition, they are also uncomfortable. You're forced to be in a small area with people you almost for sure have nothing to say to. When you compound this with the fact that you commonly end up standing in the middle of a crowd with no walls to lean on or handles to hold (there's something not good about that), there is either a forced, uncomfortable conversation, or a lengthy awkward silence. Luckily, with the state of our elevators, I can often get away by steering conversation to "at least the elevator doesn't smell like electrical wire today."

It is sometimes funny to see people struggle during the elevator ride. For instance, the President of my company (at least of the Detroit office), has been stuck on a 25 floor ride alone with me twice. The first time, he spent 25 floors investigating his cell phone, as if he had never seen it before. Then next time, he split his ride between looking at his sunglasses and checking out the same phone. This proves it doesn't matter how powerful you are or how tall, it always helps to carry something to look at so you don't have to talk to entry level people in the elevators.

My day of elevator riding is made even worse by the one-floorers, or the people who ride the elevator up or down one floor.

In my building, on any floor, you have to walk about ten yards past the stairs to reach the elevators, no matter where you're coming from. Once you get to the elevator you probably wait anywhere from ten seconds to two minutes for the elevator to arrive. The opening and closing of the doors takes at least ten seconds. So in all it could take as long as three minutes to ride the elevator one floor. It blows my mind that so many people take the elevators one floor. It can't possibly be faster.

It's ONE FLOOR. That's one flight of stairs. No matter up or down, there are people who ride one floor repeatedly thoughout the day. People whom I refer to as "those who make my trips on the elevator at least one minute longer." Can walking up one flight of stairs really be so physically taxing that you can't bare to do it? Or down a flight of stairs? down? Seriously. Especially when everyone knows how "daring" it is to ride our elevators, is it really worth the risk. If you ever ride the elevator one flight and as you're getting off you feel a punching sensation in the back of your head, it is me reminding you to use the stairs. Lazy-ass people.

Now, there are two things that excuse this action. One is some sort of physical limitation, such as having to wheel something (a chair or a cart), carrying objects, or some sort of handicap.

The other is smoking. Not smoking as in being winded easily because you have severly deminished lung capacity, but smoking as in there being actual smoke from some jackass who snucks into the hot, humid stairwells to take in a little tar and nicotine. Sometimes when I take the stairs three or four times in an hour after one of these smoking bandits has been in action, I start to feel hung-over. I emerge from the stairwell quite sweaty. I smell like smoke. I'm nautious and my eyes water. No one wants that. So smokers, there is a place for you, it's called the smokers lounge. A place where the yellow of teeth and skin, and the bad of smell gather to take a break from work. Go there. Please.

Which brings me to my next point, one I will go through quickly since my laptop, which is actually sitting on my lap, is heating up and starting to burn my genitals and ensure my sterility. How come people get smoke breaks? I like to drink, but I don't go down to the bar three or four times a day to have a few beers. I like to take naps, yet if I were caught with my head on my desk and eyes closed for fifteen mintues I could all but guarantee I'd be reprimanded.

Yet, somehow, in today's world it is perfectally acceptable for a percentage of our work force to take regular "cigarette" or "smoke" breaks. These breaks, especially when you work on a high floor, take at least fifteen or twenty minutes. I see one man going for a cigarette at least twice a day, which means he's probably going four or five times. Now, using a formula and concept shown to me by Professor Steve Huber, please follow the following conservative calculation:

1 break = 30 minutes
30 minutes = ten minutes to start, inluding finding a lighter, getting your smoking friends and travelling to the smoking destination + ten minutes to smoke and shoot the shit + ten minutes to restart work, which includes returning to your work area and re-acclimating yourself to the work environment, and putting things away

3 breaks a day = 1.5 hours per day

Of course there is a possibility that people clock out, or deduct the smoking time from their paychecks, but I'd wager 90% (at least in corporate america) do not.

So, let's say we work 225 days per year (again conservative) and we all work 8 hour days. This, when worked out, gives the smoke-break taker an accumulated 42 days a year of non-working time ((225 days x 1.5 hours) / 8 hour days).

I ask you, is this fair? Try walking into your bosses office tomorrow and saying "Listen, I've got this addiction. Let's call it 'playing golf'. I need at least 42 days this year off in order to feed this addiction. Furthermore, I want to be paid for this time, sometimes receive overtime for playing, and not have any of these days count as vacation or sick days."

You think your boss would laugh at you? You're damned right he would.

Thanks to Steve Huber for the smoke-break insight last year, which may or may not have been one of the factors in being "fired" from my last job (I often went for cigarette breaks with other workers and just sat in the sun relaxing for 15 minutes, since I don't smoke).

And I'm spent.


5/6/01

In the days since the last entry, I was at MSU, attending a graduation. Let's just say, Michigan, good job at being better. And Izzo, you need to work on your speaking. Don't ever make reference to the Lion King, or say "I think most of you know who Simba is" again. Also, MSU, try to get a president who does NOT have a terrible lisp.

For great enchiladas, try El Azteca in East Lansing.
Relicious.

5/2/01
Finally, catalog.com has fixed their service allowing the lord our savior to return. Apologies to all those who were looking forward to the lord each day, only to find the same old items. I will do my best to ensure that there is never more than 1-2 days of silence.

A couple of things today. First, I have to address the sport of softball briefly. A few things people should know about softball.

#1. The ideal level of athleticism required to be a good softball player is somewhere between a skilled bowler and a quality badmitton player.

#2. The winning team can always be determined by who scores higher in the following formula:
(Average Age x Number of Mullets) + (Average weight / # of beers consumed) + # of tattoes or piecings - number of prostetic limbs on team

#3. Softball, despite its cuddley, easy sounding name, is a dangerous sport. At least three men were almost hit in the head by fast moving, not so small balls. The ground is hard and rough for sliding (anyone who's ever seen the burn on a man's leg from sliding in a softball game knows what I'm talking about). Furthermore, the catcher wears no mask or helmet, which leads me to believe that it is only a matter of time before he is terribly mauled.

#4. No matter what, being little and athletic does you virtually no good.


Next, although it will be addressed in the NFL section on heros, we must talk briefly about Kobe Bryant. At first, I was for some reason a Kobe fan. Perhaps it was his youthful enthusiasm, perhaps a general indifference to all NBA basketball, but the more I watch and see, the more I realize that Kobe should be punished by the lord our savior.

As many people know, the Lakers just finished a sweep of the Blazers. During the series, Kobe "injured" his ribs, and miraculously recovered to finish the series strong. Now, anyone who has followed Kobe knows that he is constantly bitching about one thing or another. He should have learned that at some point you grow up and play, especially in the playoffs. Instead, Kobe plays up what may be nothing more that a slight bruise as an almost crippling injury. SHUT UP KOBE. Knowing that I am taking the words out of SJB's mouth, it is time to acknowledge that Kobe is not only undeserving of respect, but instead should evoke in us a feeling of disgust.

The most recent glaring example shows in his actions from the Scottie Pippten incident. Scottie made a comment that Kobe may have been exaggerating how serious his rib injury was to make his play seem that much better (which seems logical, given Kobe's small child-like personality and need for attention). So, while still bitching about his ribs, Kobe went out and saw to the end of the Blazer's playoff run, but also saw himself fit to return fire at Scottie, stating "He tried to do everything in his power to help his team win. He failed miserably."

He also stated "It hurts when I make sharp movements, sharp cuts. There's certain things I can and can't do. Things I can't do, I'm going to stop." Apparently, one of the things he can't do is be humble. We all know Scottie is old and on his way out, but he has also given a lot to the game. Kobe should show some respect and realize that a solid performance and a sweep says more than his bitter, attention-craving, six-year-old words ever could.

So Kobe, keep playing, keep whining, keep claiming that you're the next MJ, but realize, there was a certain dignity about Michael, about Magic, about all the greats, that you have failed to capture. And it is in that dignity, that humbleness and respect, that true greatness is earned. Kobe, I hope you get hit by a car.

Stay tuned for more for the lord our savior.
you are the weakest link, goodbye.

4/25/01

Today I noticed that I am capable of carrying on entire conversations without ever paying attention to what the other person is saying. As I feel this is an important skill to have, since if you had to listen to every person who ran their idiot mouth talk you'd go crazy, I will share the trick. I was sitting in a co-worker's office, thumbing through a magazine, as she babbled on about some thing or another. Whenever she paused for my reaction, I would simply look up and repeat, in a surprised voice, the last four or five words she had said.

Example:

Babbling co-worker: yappa yappa yappa, barka barka barka, asha basha bash, blabber blabber, they blew over in the wind.

Me: (looking up at her, clearly surprised) Blew over in the wind?

Babble: Yep, and babble de babble, blah blah blah.

Though this may be rude, it is certainly better than saying, "Oh, I'm sorry, were you talking. I'm trying to read this mazgazine." If you are the person I was talking to, then I apologize. I'm sure whatever the wind blew over was very important.


4/24/01

Amazingly enough, sometimes I don't have anything to say. However, I will seldom let that stop me from talking, so here's a little insight into human nature for you:

No matter who people are, or what they do for a living, they truely believe that they have the most important job. And, not only is their job the most important, but the also believe that they and others in their field are somehow elite.
For instance, I worked evenings for several years in a mall. As a part time worker in an organization you are able to see the culture without ever fully committing yourself. This allowed me to observe the actions and rituals of the "Mall Lifers." Lifers seldom work in the same store for more than a few years before migrating to a new store. No matter how much they move, they seldom leave the confines of the mall community. Those who "get out" of the life mostly trasfer to the same store in another mall.
Collectively (and keep in mind there are exceptions to every rule) Mall Lifers all smoke, which enables them to take smoke breaks together. It is at these smoke breaks that one can observe the elitest attitude held by Lifers.

Example:

KB Toy-store Employee: Dude, you should have seen this guy that came in to the store today.

Wetzel's Pretzel Worker: Yeah?

KB: He was looking around, then he dropped a box on the floor and I had to pick it up.

Wetezel: What an idiot.

KB: And then he asked me if I had any Pokemon Battledome games in stock, and I was like, no dude, but we do have Pokemon Stadium.

Wetzel: (laughs and throws cigarette butt in bushes outside mall entrance)

KB: Man, the dumbest people come in the store sometime.

Then those two go back inside, where they are apparently kings. Could have been that man looking for the Pokemon game was the CEO of some company, or a famous scientist. Anyways, it is always amazing how the mall lifer's convince eachother that they are the ilk of society. Whatever ilk means.

no offense to anyone who works in a mall, it is hard work and my mom braves that odd world each day, I was just using Lifers as an example


4/22/01
Want to see a movie? Try Momento.
It's best to go see without having any idea what it is about. I have a feeling you'll be pleasantly surprised.
Want to wait for one on video? That would be Enemy At The Gates.
You'd be well served to pick this one up at Blockbuster instead of shelling out $8 at the theatre. It's always amazing to me how in movies about Russians, Germans or even Romans (Gladiator), eveyone seems to speak english. Even better, in Enemy, the Russians not only speak english, but have British accents. REmazing.
Blow. Don't believe the hype. It didn't make me want to do cocaine at all.


4/21
Don't tell people that you're going to go somewhere they invite you to, and then not go. Especially when you have no intention of ever going. Your punishment for this will be to never get invited anywhere again. How do you like that, no-show?
Also, the less one has to answer the question "dude, do you like trip-hop?" the better.


04/20/01 (4/20, you know what to do.)
The most important factor in horseback riding is selecting your horse. When they ask if you've been riding before, say yes. "No" will get you a horse who doesn't listen, has bleeding blistering sores from the saddle and just stands and eats grass while you yell at it. Also, horseback riding makes your ass real sore. I advise to never partake in this activity, as there is nothing good about it.

sore ass + foul smell = bad. Remember that equation.