the lord our savior

October through December 2002


An archive of the lord our savior's beloved baby jesus editorials between October and December 2002. Topics include idiot humans, where not to drop your keys, halloween costumes, the sniper and American Idol.



12.17.02

Sometimes I can't believe humans. For instance, I have a friend, who has an uncle who went to the doctor because he was having stomach problems. Well, after some investigation, x-rays revealed that said Uncle had a 2-inch NAIL in his stomach. Not pounded into it from the outside, but inside his actual stomach where food belongs. And he had "no idea" how it got there.

Now, that is either miraculous, or he is lying. A two-inch nail is hard enough that you'd notice if you accidentally put it in your mouth with a handful of pretzels or something. It's long enough that if you didn't chew it up into smaller pieces you'd sure as hell notice it when you were swallowing. And nails are generally sharp, which is not conducive to swallowing. So unless you were real drunk, blacked out and ate a nail on a dare or had a habit of eating nails in your sleep, it's unacceptable that you don't know how it got into your stomach.

Even more miraculous than the nail mysteriously appearing in his stomach is that when he went back for surgery or whatever, the nail was gone. And he had "no idea" how it got out. No idea. It just up and disappeared.

Remazing.

Thanks to Everess, who discovered this article, prompting the memory and discussion of the uncle. And thanks to the hawk for "no idea".

Deal the potato. Deal the potato.


12.10.02

I had a dream last night that my dad poisoned my fish. When I discovered they were dying, I plucked them from the tank and set about trying to save them, using all sorts of strange rescue techniques. And I was crying the whole time. Who knew I loved my fish so much? But then, when I was trying to wash the poison off of them, I dropped the yellow one down the garbage disposal and couldn’t get him out. Fish are slippery.

Also, my giant black and blue fish, who I've wanted to die for years, managed to live. He's a survivor, even in my dreams.

Why would my dad poison my fish, you ask? Because I left the poison laying around. He did it to teach me a lesson. Isn't that just like a dad, to kill a child's pet in order to learn him about life?

And Shannon, this does not mean that my yellow tang is going to die. He's the sunshine of fish. Sunshine, tang. Yep.


12.09.02

This morning when on my way to work a group of about five people, including myself, were getting on the elevator. During boarding, a woman, who apparently didn't have a good hold on her keys, let them slip from her hand and they fell. Down the crack between the elevator and the lobby floor! Regardable. Right down the goddamn elevator shaft!

Everyone noticed it happen and we all froze, turning simultaneously to look in disbelief at the spot where the keys had dropped. I couldn't help but laugh. Because of all the places between your house and your desk where you don't want to drop your keys, down the elevator shaft has got to rank pretty high up there.

So I said to her, "That's probably the worst thing that will happen to you all day." Which I bet is true. She left to go to management's office, and when the elevator doors closed, everyone started laughing. It was great.

One guy said he'd been working there 15 years and never seen a person drop their keys down that shaft. I'd wager that no one ever sees that happen. I am a lucky person to witness such an event.

But that same guy also said if that happened to him, he would be furious. I disagreed with him. "I don't think you could be mad," I argued, "because it's too funny." People should realize that bad luck makes for funny stories. I kind of wish my keys had fallen down there.

Another place that it would be bad to drop your keys is down a sewer grate. Good luck getting those back.


12.5.02

Soooo...I've gotten bad at sending stuff out. Maybe I'm running out of things to say. Maybe I'm tired. So tired. Honk.

Nope. Just lazy.

The next time you see a car parked, taking up two parking spots, spit on it. I will. I'd like to ram my car into whichever spot has slightly more room. Denting, scratching and ultimitely just shoving their car into it's own parking spot. The damage to my car would be worth the lesson I teach whoever is so spot greedy.

Also, people who say they like the cold should be shipped to the north pole. Or locked in a freezer.

Hope everyone had a nice Thanksgiving. And if you like NBA basketball knowledge and comedy... Line of the Night

Show some love for LON.


11.11.02

Mall security guards are a special breed of people. Not quite a policeman. Not quite a mall employee. They fall somewhere inbetween and have assumed an elitist attitude of sorts. Sure, while you're at the mall, you're on their turf. But at the end of the day, they are still mall security guards and you are not. And that's gotta make you feel pretty good.


10.31.02

Happy Halloween.
What a fucked-up holiday.
Figures it would be Everess's birthday.

The only good thing about Halloween nowadays are girls in sexy costumes. Here, for your enjoyment is a list of the top ten costumes I like to see on girls:

10. Butterfly
9. Naughty Little Devil
8. WonderWoman
7. Cheerleader
6. Whore
5. French Maid
4. Nurse...I'm ready for my sponge-bath girls
3. Cat...meeeooooowww
2. I Dream of Genie...you better believe I have three wishes
1. Catholic School Girl


Girls, it's almost guaranteed, if you are in one of these costumes you will look two times better than you do on a normal day. And, it is also almost guaranteed that I will try and make out with you.

Anyone who wears a Star Trek or Star Wars costume is a nerd. And you can probably throw Lord of the Rings costumes in with that group.

Masks are not costumes.


10.22.02

Ooooohhh the sniper. What a fascinating thing this is. Everyone has wild theories as to who he is and what his motives are. Myself, I believe he is either a terrorist or a teenager whose mind has been warped by video games. If it is a kid, and they catch him, you can bet there will be lawsuits against the companies that make video games with snipers in them. The worst news then, is that there's not likely to be any sniper stages on video games in the near future. No matter what anyone says, it's fun to sit up in a tower and pick off unsuspecting enemies a mile away. Maybe the sniper is just doing this for fun.

In addition to my guess as to who the sniper is, I've also developed a solution. Try this on for size: The police should start shooting random people. That way, everyone in the city would have an equal chance of getting shot, even the sniper. Then, the sniper would be just as scared as everyone else. Once he knows how it feels, he would probably feel bad and turn himself in.

Either that, or we should put our own snipers out there to get this one. But that might get confusing and we'd just end up with a bunch of snipers sitting on top of buildings shooting at one another.

Good Sniper 1: I thought you were the sniper. Good Sniper 2: No, I thought yoooouuu were the sniper.
That’s what they would say.

One of the best things I've heard recently was on a radio show, where someone said "I wish they would quit calling this guy a sniper. They're giving the word sniper a bad reputation." Yeah, because before "sniper" was right up there with "pope". Idiot.

Which reminds me, add priests to the list of people I don't want to leave my children alone with.

I also predict that there will be more snipers in more towns in the near future. Mark it down.


10/21/02

Last week I went to a Halloween specialty store to have a look at some costumes. In my head I had thought that maybe I'd be a turtle this year. So, I went to the counter and asked if they had any turtle costumes. The lady behind the counter looked at me like I was a fool and said "no." At this point I thought, you're treating me like an idiot? Look at you, you're 45 years old and you work in a Halloween store. You only have a job 1.5 months of the year.

At this point I replied, "Really? Because I heard that turtle costumes are really hot this year. Can't keep 'em on the shelves." She failed to pick up my sarcasm and informed me that, no, turtle costumes were not hot, I must be thinking of Spiderman costumes. Shhhhh.

I proceeded to browse around a bit and discovered several more things. The first is that the items people use to make their yard "spooky" are expensive. Way too expensive for any normal person to ever buy. So, I've added "people who decorate their yard at Halloween" to the list of people I never want to leave my children with. So far that list consists them and the people who "perform" in plays for children at the mall. That's not theatre, that's an acting club for pedophiles.

Next, while looking at the costume packages, I noticed that not only were the people in the "product shots" on the package unattractive, but they were downright disturbing. If you're trying to sell a product, why would you put a man with a huge head or a woman with crooked eyes on the package? That's not what I want to look like. Put someone more attractive than me on the box, so when I see it I think, hmmm, maybe I'll look that good. Instead, they picked people with deformed faces and nerds. I know that they probably didn't have a big production budget, but still, nine out of ten people on the street looked better than the people in these pictures. (this isn't true for kids' costumes, which amazingly, I can still fit in)


10.14.02

I bet it's fairly entertaining to watch me when I wake up late for an appointment in the morning and I am still real drunk from the night before. I stomp around cursing and looking for the items I need in a half-asleep drunken rage. Of course, nothing is where it should be, since when I'm drunk I lose everything. Which makes me even more furious and irrational.

And probably the worst thing that could follow this type of episode would be to put me behind the wheel of a car, which is where I inevitably end up, racing angrily toward my destination. Eventually, I reach my destination(late) and realize I forgot at least one important item—which is probably sitting neatly in the place I put it to be sure I wouldn't forget it.

In related news, having a "Pitcher Race" is a great thing. Even the losers win.


10.9.02

There has been much talk amongst the masses about a new television show gracing our screens. For awhile, I didn't know what all the hype was about. Then I had the unfortunate experience of having to watch American Idol for a project at work.

I must say that it is not only the worst show ever created, but is clearly targeted at the worst people in America. Each and every person who appeared on the show, as well as those who watched it should be sent to an island for idiots. There, they can all live and talk about American Idol, see the live concerts and buy the worthless merchandise. Also, the people on that island can spend all day listening to Nelly's "It's gettin' hot in here" because if I hear that song one more time...aaarrrrrgggg...

Of course, no offense to girls or anyone whose wife or girlfriend watched the show. Girls are allowed to think stupid things are good. It's that principle that allows me to believe I can still get sex.

In unrelated news, I was driving through Ann Arbor the other day when what did I see but a person riding a unicycle. Not a clown or a daredevil or even a street performer. But a regular person, wearing a backpack, probably a student. The only thing I could think about was parking my car, jumping out and tackling that silly fucker off his unicycle onto the cement.
Eat your breakfast, bitch.





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