If you don’t know or care about
baseball, you probably won’t find this interesting. If you don’t know or care about Barry Bonds or the
steroids/Balco controversy, you might also not find this interesting. The truth is, I don’t really even know
or care a whole lot about baseball or Barry Bonds. But in the tradition of picking apart Mike Tyson and Michael
Jackson, it’s time for another segment of…
DID YOU CATCH THAT INTERVIEW?!
Today’s installment is ripped from
the transcript of a Barry Bonds press conference yesterday. And for the record, I’m glad I don’t have
to speak in any capacity where a transcript might be made available for public
criticism. I say some pretty
stupid stuff.
http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/news/story?id=1997605
“…there's
a code in baseball: Respect your peers regardless of whatever…”
Regardless
of whatever? You have to earn
respect. And granted, you’re a
good ballplayer, and were before you ever (allegedly) got on the juice. But when you’re cheating, you don’t get
respect big fella.
“…but
this whole thing in sports now has turned into a big circus…”
Turned into
a big circus? Barry, how long have
you been alive? Haven’t athletes
been in the spotlight for decades?
Sports hasn’t “turned into” anything. It’s just your turn to be in the spotlight again. This time for something negative.
“…Are
y'all going to be good people or are you all going to be who you are and make
the game or sports what it is? It's become "Hard Copy" all day long.
Are you guys jealous? Upset? Disappointed? What?”
That’s it.
The correct way to clear your name is to antagonize reporters and try to make
them feel bad. Here’s some news,
Barry, reporters don’t deny that they’re sneaky, judgmental and sometimes
derogatory towards others. They know what they are. We know what they are.
And you should, too.
“…I'm an
adult and I take responsibilities for what I do, but I'm not going to allow you
guys to ruin my joy…”
Oh, you
take “responsibilities” for what you do?
Like admitting you’ve (allegedly) been on steroids? You sure are an adult, Mr. Bonds. Enjoy your joy.
“…I look
for the day for you guys to stop being a rerun show and this thing will blow
over and everybody will go about their business as though it has…”
I’m sure
you’re anxious for this all to be over.
If you’d come clean about (allegedly) using steroids and quash all this
curiosity and speculation, we could move on. But as long as you’re sneaky and dismissive and continue to
keep a wall between the public and the truth, this story will remain a focus of
sports journalists.
“…Babe
Ruth is one of the greatest baseball players ever, and Babe Ruth ain't black,
either. I'm black. Blacks, we go through a little bit more. Unfortunately I
said it, I'm not a racist, though, but I live in the real world. I'm fine with
that…”
What? What does any of this have to do with
race? Them (alleged) steroids must
have scrambled your eggs a little.
“…The
sad part about it, man, I just really want to go play baseball. The record
thing, I don't really care about as much as just going out there and playing a
game and being the best and that's what I tell my kids. If you hit 100 home
runs or you hit one home run, if that's that the best that you feel is the
best, then that's the best. So the best is whatever you get out of yourself is
the best. That's all I'm trying to do, whatever that best is…”
Do you tell
your kids that to be their best they should (allegedly) take steroids? There’s a different between being the
best you can be naturally and being the best genetically enhanced human you can
be. You obviously didn’t think the
best you could be was good enough.
[in
response to a “do you think steroids have damaged sports” type question] “…I
don't -- I think a lot of things have damaged sports with a lot of just the
whole, everything. But there's a lot worse things going on in our world, a lot
more worse. You should focus on fixing those first…”
Any time
there’s a big problem in sports, reporters are all over it. And not necessarily to fix it. That’s
not their job. Their job is to
seek the truth and slander a few people along the way. Other reporters are handling the world’s
other problems and slandering non-athletes.
[in
response to an “are you sorry” type question] “…Yeah, but what did I do? I'm
just sorry that we're even going through all this rerun stuff. I'm sorry that,
you know, this fiction all stuff and maybe some facts, who knows, but I'm sorry
that, you know -- we're all sorry about this…”
I love “and
maybe some facts”. Maybe. Don’t ever admit it Barry. Even when it’s made public, claim it’s
all fiction…and maybe some facts.
“…I
truly believe that we need to go forward. Okay, you cannot rehash the past. If
that's the case, we're going to go way back into 19th, 18th centuries in
rehashing the past and we'll crush a lot of things in a lot of sports if that's
what you guys want. If you just want a lot of things out of the sports world,
then we can go back into the 1800s and basically asterisk a lot of sports if
that's what you choose and that's what you want to do.”
I don’t
think they’re talking about wiping out any records that were set before
steroids became illegal. It’s true
that you can’t rehash the past, but if you’re guilty of something that was
illegal during a certain time and it can be proved, you’ve got to face the
consequences. Sorry.
“…We
just need to go out there and do our jobs, just as you professionals do your
job. All you guys lied. All of y'all and the story or whatever have lied.
Should you have asterisk behind your name? All of you lied. All of you have
said something wrong. All of you have dirt. All of you. When your closet's
clean, then come clean somebody else's. But clean yours first, okay?”
That’s it
Barry, turn the tables on them reporters.
If it wasn’t for you meddling kids I would have gotten away with it.
“…But
now, don't turn it into a spectacle now just because you have the freedom to
come into our office and snoop and make up stories if you choose to, because,
you know, a lot of it's not true…”
Hmmmm…“a lot
of it’s not true” sounds a lot like “and some facts”. Not complete denial.
Not an admission of guilt.
Leave just enough wiggle room to snake out of things once findings are
made public. “No, no, I said it
was fiction ‘and some facts.’
Check the transcript.”
“…As
cheating? I don't -- I don't know what cheating is. I don't know cheating, if
steroid is going to help you in baseball. I just don't believe it. I don't
believe steroids can help you, eye/hand coordination, technically hit a
baseball, I just don't believe it and that's just my opinion…”
Whoa. You don’t know what cheating is? It’s doing something banned, like a
pitcher keeping sandpaper in his hat.
Sure, sandpaper won’t help you throw a ball fast and accurate, but it
will help make that ball cut and curve more dramatically. True, steroids might not give you the
ability to hit the ball, but they will give you the ability to smash that ball
out of the park. No one is saying
it made you a more consistent hitter.
It made you a more powerful hitter. You know what cheating is Barry. Despite your performance at this press conference, you’re
not an idiot.
So ends
this segment of “Did you catch that interview?” I’ll feel bad if Barry is cleared of all charges, which I
doubt will happen. And for the
record, I’m not ever sure there are “charges”. I don’t actually know that much about anything. That’s what makes me so dangerous.