the lord our savior

January through April 2004

04.26.04

You know who really got screwed? Flightless birds. Isn't that basically what the definition of being a bird is? Being able to fly? Hey, we're going to make you a bird, but instead of giving you the gift of flight, we're going to make you ugly, give you really long legs and a long neck and make you run around on the ground. Or maybe instead you'd prefer we make you black and white, give you a funny little walk and stick you in the coldest-ass places in the world. Yep, flightless birds got a raw deal.

Thanks to J. Scheid for contributing to this thought.


04.19.04

How do cemeteries make money? I believe the basic concept is that you purchase a large plot of land and then you sell little bits of it to people so that when they die they can "live" there. But being a corpse landlord doesn't seem to make fiscal sense. First, each plot is a one-time sale. Once people own a plot, they don't pay rent on it, do they? You never see eviction notices on headstones. Once you own the plot, you own the plot. So, after a cemetery has sold out all of its plots, their source of revenue is exhausted. However, they still have the expenses associated with owning the land. Maintenance, taxes, etc. So what gives? Can the profit from selling those little eight by ten plots of land (if that's how big plots are) really make enough profit to cover the cost of the initial land purchase and the infinite expenses you can expect to incur over the next howevermany years? Doesn't seem right.

However, pondering this dilemma has given birth to a business idea. (wealthy investors, pay attention) The Golf Course/Cemetery. A perfect marriage. Both require a lot of land. If you could fill the rough on a golf course with graves, you could have a great golf course-cemetery. Plus, so many people love golf that there would be no shortage of people wanting to be buried on their favorite course. And just think of the bounces you'd get off of a headstone. That's an extra 20-30 yards tagged onto your drive (assuming you don't hit the fairway).

In the end, it's a win-win situation and a sure moneymaker. At the very least, it's an improvement on the current half-cocked cemetery business plan.

Yes, I am a genius.


03.31.04

I never get sick, at least not "catching a cold" sick. I don't really believe in it. People who always cry about being sick usually never are. Having the sniffles is not being sick. Being tired, that's not sick. I'm tired everyday. A little sore throat in the morning is not sick. Clogged sinuses? Not sick. A rash? That's different. A fever? Better be burning hot. That being said, it's been a long time since I was truly "sick."

Though it pains me to say it, it appears I'm finally sick. I don't mind the runny nose or the slight fever. The problem is the death cough. Whenever I laugh or breathe too hard or don't concentrate on not coughing, I burst into a hacking chest-cough that makes me feel like my lungs are bleeding.

Chicken soup don't help this sh!t.


03.24.04

People are dogs.

At least in the respect that they sniff things. It's great to watch someone encounter an object, look at it, turn it around, feel it and then, almost without fail, lift it up to their schnoz for a quick smell.

What do we hope to accomplish by this? Will the smell let us know something insightful about whatever we're investigating? Perhaps. I don't think we realize we do it as much as we do. It's just an instinct. And it's more than just a new or unusual style of food we smell. It's anything wet. Say you see some fluid in your driveway. Dip your finger in it and smell it. Is it oil? Is it gas? You'll know soon enough. Or something you're encountering for the first time. For instance, I came across a bungee cord where the fabric wrapping had come off. So in essence I was holding a giant rubber band type object. What did I do, without thinking? Smelled it. Didn't really smell like anything, but at least I know what the inside of a bungee cord smelled like. I almost gave it a lick to see if it tasted like rubber band.

The moral of the story is this: use your senses. That's what they're there for.


02.19.04

I'm not sure how much protection 2-ply gives you, but I always put down a nice layer of toilet paper before using a public restroom. Even at work, where people say, "but you know everyone here." True. But I don't know their asses. The ass is probably the dirtiest place on the body. Maybe I should make my own little toilet cozy, a piece of plastic/fabric that I can lay over toilets when I use them. It would be thicker and more comfortable than paper.

And I'm not sure if I've covered this before, but I believe they should play music in all public restrooms. The sounds of bowel movements can be unpleasant and embarassing. So play some music. Hell, put a joke-box in there. I'll pay a quarter each time to mask the sounds of me or someone else dropping a deuce. It's just common sense.

Click here to see Sheldon’s bathroom etiquette lesson.


02.18.04

"It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than it is to open one's mouth and remove all doubt.”
-Samuel Clemmons.

Most assignments in life are very simple. Someone tells you the situation and what needs to be done and you go do it. There are, of course, some situations which are more complicated and require a detailed and extensive explanation. Being able to tell the difference between these circumstances is vital, in my opinion, to not being perceived as a babbling, wind-bag idiot.

I can't tell you how many meetings I've been in where someone will ask questions just to let everyone know they've been paying attention. Do they think we'll all be fooled into thinking they care more about the task, or that they think on some higher level, because they ask a question. And they will almost always as a question that is:

a. repeating exactly what they've just been told.

BOSS: So I need someone to put that in a spreadsheet.
WINDBAG: Um, so what you're saying is that you want us to take the information and organize it using excel into a spreadsheet.
BOSS: Yes.
EVERYONE ELSE: (annoyed sigh)

or b. trying to let everyone know that they understand what needs to be done.

BOSS: So I need someone to put that in a spreadsheet. Yes, idiot...
IDIOT: Well, I'm familiar with information and I find the best way to make a spreadsheet is on the computer.
BOSS: Yes.
EVERYONE ELSE: (annoyed sigh)

There are many variations to the idiot wind-bag speak for the sake of speaking banter, but all of it can be identified by its high degree of annoyingness and uselessness. These individuals can sometimes stretch a meeting an extra ten or twenty minutes with their self-serving line of questions. Chances are they don't even realize they're doing it. So here is my advice, because this might be you. Just wait. If other people start asking intelligent questions, there's a chance the problem actually is complicated. If no one asks questions and you still have the itch to throw up your hand and voice a concern or question, don't. Approach your boss after the meeting. You'll still get the attention you seek, only you won't annoy an entire room full of co-workers.

And that is that.

***

“It was all yokes and balk-balk.”
-Shaq, on an overturned chicken truck


02.11.04

NEWSFLASH! COLLEGE ATHLETICS USE GIRLS TO RECRUIT ATHLETES!

Wait a minute, that's not news to anyone. Anyone who's not in the administration or coaching staff at Colorado University at least. I'm absolutely baffled that people are expressing such shock that the lord's greatest gift to man--the female--is being used to entice athletes to go to schools.

First, girls love athletes. So no matter where these star players go, they're going to find an abundance of jock-chasers. That's a given. So showing these players what they can expect, women as well as party-wise, is sort of the cost of entry when it comes to recruiting.

Second, having a strong athletic program or quality academics is important. But if you've gone to college in the last twenty years you know that the real reason you go to school is to get drunk and meet girls. That's what college is. When you visited a potential school before you applied, were you anxious to have a look in the classrooms and sit in on lectures, or were you excited to go out after orientation with some older friends you knew and get hammered and stumble around campus. Exactly. You choose a school based largely on how fun it is.

Ask any college kid which schools in the area have the hottest girls, he'll tell you. Ask him whose anthropology program is strong, he'll look at you like you're an idiot. And that's how we should look at anyone who thinks that girls don't factor into a student’s college choice. And anyone who pretends like athletes aren't blessed with an abundance of trim no matter which school he chooses is a damned fool. Amen.

And ladies, please pardon my use of the word “trim”. It just seemed appropriate during that particular tirade. Please know that in my personal life, I find the term offensive and juvenile.

Guys, just kidding. I love trim.


02.10.04

It's too bad these guys weren't around for the Super Bowl, because they would have taken top honors. Ladies and gentlemen, meet the new Quizno's spokesmen, the Spongemonkeys. If you like those commercials, you'll love tha moon.

http://www.rathergood.com/moon_song/

They got a pepper bar!!!!


02.03.04

2-3-4!

Man, was that Super Bowl halftime show a perfect opportunity for conservative America to get all riled up. It's amazing to me how offended people are. Network television has more offensive programming on six or seven nights a week, I'm willing to bet. And one little dance routine with a little tit-flash at the end is getting everyone all worked up? Especially when you have Janet Jackson out there. If you know anything about her, you know that most of what makes people watch her is that her act is full of dirty, sexy dancing. In fact, we were disappointed that she wasn't more scantily clad. If she had come out wearing panties and just those metal nipple covers, I wouldn't have been surprised.

The thing that should really offend people is the terrible lip-synching that was going on. Awful. Why do people even do that? Do they think we're fooled? If you're not going to sing for real, just have a dance show. Go out and dance to your music. We'll still watch it. Lip-synching is one of the worst things known to man.

In conclusion, I hate the Super Bowl halftime show. If I were in charge, I would use halftime to show every amazing play, every bone crushing murderous hit and every folly of the regular season. Football is good. I will watch it.

Then again, tit is good and I will watch that, too.


TLOS’S 2004 SUPER BOWL AD REVIEW

Welcome to the third annual Super Bowl ad review. This year’s ads as a group failed to impress me. So let’s just get to it. And remember, I’m a professional, which makes my opinion more valid than yours.

THE BEST

FEDEX: JENKINS
The best spot of the night. An alien with a picture of a human face taped around his head. “(robot voice)Why don’t we use FedEx?” “That’s all you ever say.” Classic. Great writing. Great concept. Great commercial. That’s all you need to know.

MASTERCARD: HOMER
Good work. Could it have been better? Possibly. But there were several great things about it. Hans Moleman getting knocked out. Homer going to the bar instead of home to his family. “Stupid voiceover guy.” And bees! I love bees. But what made this a classic was the ending when the two donuts fly on the screen and turn into the MasterCard logo, causing Homer to voice excitement, then disappointment. Anytime you use Homer Simpson to advertise you’ve got a winning idea in my book.

HONDA PILOT: WOLFMAN
If you don’t love this ad, you probably don’t know anything. I don’t even care what they’re selling. I’ll buy it. It’s funny.

CHEVY SSR: SOAP
I don't really care for the design of the SSR. And anyone who would buy a yellow car wouldn’t have me saying “holy sh*t.” It would probably be closer to “f*cking idiot.” But I like the commercial and the idea is a winner. Good work, for once, Chevy. Soap tastes bad.

PIZZA HUT: MUPPETS
If I haven’t said it before, let me say it now: I love the Muppets. Things are always getting broken and there’s just a general fun commotion. Then you add Jessica Simpson for a touch of hotness and you’ve got yourself a winner. The only thing I would change is to have Jessica wear something a little more erotic, like just a pair of panties.

TRUTH: SHARDS O GLASS
Funny. Ridiculous, but funny. And it makes a good point. Smoking is bad for you. You can even go to shardsoglass.com and learn more about this tasty product.

PEPSI: I FOUGHT THE LAW
One of the only stand-outs of the night. Tackled a controversial issue and introduced one of the best co-branded marketing ideas in recent memory. I myself am a Coke guy, but when I drink Pepsi, I’ll definitely be checking under my cap for my free music. Congrats to Pepsi and Apple for being the first to jump on this type of sponsorship idea. Look for this to be a growing trend.

MOST IMPROVED

SUBWAY: EAT BAD, DON’T BE BAD
Alright, so maybe this wasn’t one of the best, but it didn’t feature Jared. And that alone makes it the most improved commercial. And it’s kind of funny. Wang Chung. “And Lance, stop using puppies to pick up girls in the park.” Ha.

NOT THE WORST

BUDWEISER: TUNE OUT
A referee is conditioned to tune out angry yelling by taking it from his wife at home. Probably not funny to wives. Funny to me. True.

BUDWEISER: DONKEY
As Potroast says, the donkey is the new monkey. That isn’t quite true. The idea was kind of funny, but the spot kind of dragged and the ending sucked. Sorry, donkey, but a monkey is just more versatile.

BUD LIGHT: SMOOTH MONKEY
If the donkey don’t work, jump on the monkey bandwagon. And still keep your low-brow humor formula intact. Well done. I did enjoy that array of noises representing “sex” following the monkey’s suggestion that they go upstairs. And “We’re best buddies” is funny to me.

BUD LIGHT: SPA
Cedric the Entertainer is funny. But I like Bernie Mac better. And I don’t really like Cedric’s Bud Light commercials anymore. Sorry Cedric.

H&R BLOCK: WILLIE NELSON DOLL
Good stuff. The fishing boat bit, funny. The Don Zimmer closing, a real zinger. Way to have a sense of humor, Don.

VISA: SNOW VOLLEYBALL
Girls in bikinis playing volleyball in the snow? I like it. And the idea that they can’t wait for the summer Olympics came across great, I thought. I also think I saw some blood.

NFL: TOMORROW
NFL players singing Tomorrow, great. I love Torry Holt. The only bad thing is when Jerry Jones supposedly does handsprings down the field at the end. Almost ruined a perfectly good commercial.

GROWING UP
Two young hot girls try to buy beer, but in the end they chicken out and buy candy and magazines. Not likely. Whoever wrote this doesn’t know anything about young hot girls or guys who work in Liquor stores. Those girls would have walked out of there with a case of beer, no doubt. Reality would have went more like this:

Girls: Hi, we want some beer.
Guy: Alright. You girls want to party later?
Girls: Sure, we’re young and slutty.
Guy: And you’ll be drunk.
Girls: Yep.
Guy: Here, I’ll pay for your beer. And take this bottle of vodka, too.
And that is how the world works.

MITSUBISHI: FREEWAY
It was effective in convincing me to go to the website. So it accomplished what it was supposed to. Too bad the website sucked and the ending to the spot was worthless. If you’re going to try and build that kind of interest be sure you can pay it off. This just didn’t.

LAY’S: GRANDPARENTS
Not bad. Old people beating up on one another is kind of funny.

MONSTER.COM
I feel like Monster has done some good advertising the last two years. Unfortunately, I didn’t much care for their ads this year. Make me laugh. Don’t try to be slick and cool and inspirational. Your mascot is a little fat green monster.

CADILLAC
A car that’s faster than sound? Whoa. Not that great, but the period of silence was effective in getting people to pay attention. Either way, it was better than the other stupid spot where the car is driving through air water, or disrupting reality and our dimension or something. That spot was bad.

PEPSI: BEAR WITH FAKE ID
The only good thing about this was the voiceover that said “Pepsi goes great with leftovers.” Which I assume is the carcass of the fat man whose ID the bears had. Sneaky bears.

DODGE MAGNUM: MONKEY
Not bad. Monkeys work, hands down. Bringing to life the old “monkey on your back” was fairly clever. I enjoyed the ending, where the Dodge dealership was overrun with monkeys. Get it? Get the monkey off your back? Nice one.

THE WORST

SEIRRA MIST
After last year’s monkey spot (where they build a teeter-totter of sorts), there hasn’t been one good Sierra Mist commercial. And this year’s Super Bowl spots didn’t change that. A bagpipe player standing over a vent like Marilyn Monroe? And that stupid-ass man and his dog jumping into little cups? I don’t care how refreshing it is, I’m still always going to buy 7-up or Sprite. Time to switch up strategy.

LEVITRA AND THE LIKE
Old guys must be so happy they can get boners again. I’m not happy I have to watch commercials about it. Mike Ditka, shame on you. I just lost a ton of respect for the man. I don’t care how much money they paid you. When you’re an icon who represents toughness, you should never do one of these ads. He must be hard up for money. Pun intended.

AOL: TEUTULS
Bad, bad, awful. By far the most disappointing group of ads I’ve seen in quite some time. I’ve been touting the Teutuls and American Chopper for awhile now and it breaks my heart to see them reduced to this. They’re good at reality television, bad at acting. These commercials were terrible and maybe I wasn’t paying attention, but I don’t even know what’s supposed to be faster about AOL. They should have stuck to spots featuring that little yellow cartoon thing. And the Teutuls should stick to making motorcycles.

BUD LIGHT: DOG TRICKS
Oh, I get it, a dog bites a man’s genitals. Very clever. Shut up.

BUDWEISER: SLEIGH RIDE
This was the worst commercial of the night. Tasteless. Humorless. The fact that someone actually wrote this piece of trash and someone else higher up the ladder thought it was a good enough idea to produce and then someone even higher up gave the okay to spend 2.5 million dollars to place this ad in the Super Bowl leaves me with serious questions as to the stability of upper management at Anheuser Busch and DDB. And what makes it worse is that half of idiot America probably sat back and thought, “ha ha, that horse farted in that girl’s face.” Yep. That’s America for you. Good work.

ANHEUSER BUSCH: VALET
Rick Fox is one of the worst people in history. And Tim McGraw isn’t much better (aside from the fact that Faith Hill is his wife). Therefore I automatically hate this spot.

NEXTEL: FOOTBALL
Ha ha ha. A car on a football field. It’s a good thing you had those walkie-talkie phones, as if they had anything to do with anything. I hate those phones and now I hate them even more.

IBM: LINUX
I’m scared of that boy. I’m scared of linux. Maybe if I was a computer nerd this would have been an effective ad. Note to IBM: stop trying to make 1984. That’s Apple’s spot and you’ll never have anything like it. No one will.

PHILIP MORRIS: ONE IN FIVE
Like I’m supposed to believe that Philip Morris really wants kids to stop smoking. At least they put out a fairly ineffective, uninspiring commercial.

CHEVY AVEO
I hate all these spots and it’s a stupid car. Five giant men getting into the car, then when we see them inside they’re midgets? I’m not fooled. If they showed what it actually looked like in that car, I bet it’s cramped as hell. If nothing else, it was a waste of good midgets.

PEPSI: YOUNG HENDRIX
(begin heavy sarcasm) Yeah, Jimi Hendrix picked the guitar because he drank Pepsi instead of Coke. Good one. (end heavy sarcasm)

And so ends another year of Super Bowl advertising. If I missed some ads, it’s because I can’t remember them, which makes them not very good. It seems it’s becoming more and more difficult for ads to live up to the hype of what they’re supposed to be. Although it’s nice when the best thing about Super Bowl Sunday actually is the game.

Janet Jackson’s tit. “Wardrobe malfunction” my ass.

That Tom Brady is so hot right now.


01.25.04

Being an old man is going to be great. Just think about it. You've got nothing really to look forward to and nothing to lose. You're old. You're bored. You're going to die soon. So what do you do? Start robbing banks.

I can't lay claim to this idea, however, as J.L. Hunter "Red" Roundtree beat me to it. The 92 year old man was sentenced to 12 years in prison for robbing a bank in Texas. Hell, by the time you're 92, you'd probably be living in a retirement home anyways. So why not go to jail? At least it's free. Remove financial burden from your family. Rob a bank. Go to jail. Die. And if you've gone your entire life without spending time in the penn, well heck, you can chalk the whole thing up to experience.

Here’s the news article about “Red”.

The best part of the story...what do you think his getaway car was?
A 1996 Buick sedan. Perfect.


01.20.04

It seems that every year now, when the new season of American Idol begins, I am reminded of how our entire country is filled with idiots. I’m not claiming to be some grand intellectual with brilliant insights and theories. As a matter of fact, I’m an idiot. Anyone who would sit through six straight episodes of Rich Girls or Newlyweds ain’t no genius. But when you sit back and look at what our country deems entertaining, you can’t help but be a little ashamed. American Idol. My Big Fat Disgusting Husband. The Bachelor(ette). Joe Millionare. Joe Average. Celebrity Mole. Survivor. The Real World. Surreal World. Simple Life. And so on and so forth. Idiots watching idiots. Great work America. The world’s most powerful nation. Filled with feeble minded, television addicted sissies who make decisions based on what some Queer Eye For The Straight Guy character would say.

And consider this, all these shows function on an intellectual level considerably higher than Jerry Springer, Rikki Lake and Jenny Jones. The fact that those shows are still on the air is proof positive that America is dumb. Not only do people still tune into these atrocities of the airwaves, but they still fill the studio audience. Rezoundable.

If you want to do yourself a favor, start reading books. Build a model plane. Exercise. Help bring our country back from the brink of whatever terrible end comes from your brain melting.

Throw away your television.

Or just give it to me, ‘cause I love it.


01.09.04

One thing that never gets old is scaring people. Actually, startling people might be a better way to describe it. Sneak up behind someone who's not paying attention, lean in as close as you can and whisper in their ear. Or wait behind a door in their office until they come in, then jump out at them. People's reactions when frightened this way are entertaining. I never get tired of it.

Texas hold 'em is a great game. Thank you ESPN. www.pokerroom.com

Crispy rice treats are delicious.


01.08.04

Happy New Year, jerks.

My first action of the year is to shake Brazil’s hand and give them a good-natured pat on the back. In response to the new US border-security policy, which mandates all foreigners entering the country with a visa be fingerprinted and photographed, Brazil is now requiring all American citizens entering Brazil to undergo the same treatment. Eat it, Americans. Outstanding. If as a country you object to this policy, I can’t imagine a better protest than what they’re doing down there in Brazil. Hats off, amigos.

In related news, I ate at a McDonalds in Brazil, Indiana. It was cold there, but the McDonald's was hot.

“Hey, did y’all hear? The Martians have moved to Saturn!”

Sawdust smells good.


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