the lord our savior

May through August 2003

08.18.03

The power is back. The power is back. Oh thank you jesus, the power is back.

That 1/4 of the country lost power in the first place is ridiculous. How can such a large area be dependant on one place? Granted, I didn't read anything about the cause, nor do I know anything about power, but it seems there should have been something in place to prevent this from happening. Some people say it was a test run by the government to see how cities would handle it and to see how long it would take to get things back on line. If that's the case, good.

Some say it was terrorists and that the government covered it up to prevent panic. Truth is, if it wasn't terrorists, there's a bunch of Al Queda sitting around right now going, "Goddamnit! That was my idea. No, seriously, I was planning to do that."

In the end, we all know that it was really the beavers that caused this. A band of mischievous beavers native to Canada built a giant dam in the Niagara River, stopping the flow of water and causing the blackout. A spokesman for the beavers claimed responsibility for this act early Friday morning. Unfortunately, no one could understand him, because beavers can't talk. Or can they...

A few good things came from this power outage. The first being the world's largest barbecue. In celebration of America's largest black-out, and in an attempt to salvage their meat, millions of people fired up their grills, threw some beers in a cooler with whatever ice they had left, and cooked out. One every street, from Toronto to Cleveland, neighbors joined one another in this beautiful tribute to power.

The other is "martial law". When there's no power, there are no laws except for martial law. Want to run a stoplight? You can, martial law says so. Want to walk onto a closed golf course and play? Go ahead. Steal ice from a gas station? No problem. Build a bonfire in your front yard? Martial law says that's fine. Basically the only thing you can't do is kill someone. I love martial law.

Last, but not least, the blackout brought a great time of sleep. With no electricity and nothing open, there was nothing to do but sleep. And then when you wake up, guess what you do then? Nothing, you go back to sleep.

Basically, I learned that before there was electricity, people's lives consisted of grilling, getting drunk and sleeping. Not half bad, if you ask me.


08.12.03

I've always thought it would be a great adventure to drive across America. Out to the west coast. Manifest destiny. See America from your car. And so recently I did. Starting in Ann Arbor, MI and going south, we made our way through Indiana, Missouri, Oklahoma, Texas, New Mexico, Arizona, and finally, to Santa Monica, California. The following is what I learned along the way:

1. Most of America is a vast wasteland. There's nothing. No mountains, no forests, no rivers, no towns, no nothing.

2. Missouri, mile for mile, has the most roadside "adult" shops of any state, thus making it a popular trucking route.

3. When you're driving a U-Haul, you can do whatever the fuck you want. Look out; I'm driving a truck.

4. The American Indians got fucked. Here, because we stole all your good land, brought disease to your land and slaughtered your people we want to make it up to you. So we're giving you all the terrible land in the country that can't be used for anything. You can live there, but don't expect to grow anything, because it's a barren wasteland.

5. There are third-world countries in the middle of ours. Some of the towns you see along the way, good christ.

6. Navajo's only have the ability to make five billboards. They've posted these five billboards about 100 times each over a 500-mile stretch of reservation encouraging you to stop at the Navajo trading post. Don't stop there.

7. Water is important. The desert sucks. Live near water, if at all possible.

8. Maps list lakes in the desert. Then, next to those lakes, they write (dry). No shit. It's in the middle of the desert. And if there's no water, it's not a lake, stop listing it.

9. The people of Future City enjoy A&W french fries.

10. There are some places where legitimately retarded individuals are allowed to serve as short-order cooks. These chefs have no concept of when chicken is "raw" and when it is "cooked."

11. Oklahoma is the worst state.

12. Do not drive into smoke. I don't know why you would, but these signs are posted all over Oklahoma.

13. The desert is not just giant dunes of sand like I imagined. It's small bushed, rocks and automobile junkyards.

14. Speed Kills: Drive slow and live.

15. Walkie-Talkies are god's gift to road-trips.

16. A Dairy Queen will put your town on the map.

17. I have no concept of where states are located. Actually, I do have some concept, it's just not at all correct. I've laid out my own map of the US to show you where my brain thinks states are... Peahead’s map of the United States.

18. I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes. All that she wants is another baby. Yes, it's true, middle America will never forget Ace of Bass.

19. Living in an apartment with two Brazilian sisters, aged 22 and 26, and working approximately 2 hours per day is the American dream.

That's all for now. Goodbye.


07.14.03

On the heels of my "pussy makes me crazy" insanity defense theory, I've run across something that makes it seem like that wouldn't actually be so outrageous.

Ever hear the ole "jesus told me how much to pay" theory? Deion Sanders, once a normal NFL cornerback and MLB outfielder, has made this madness a reality. In 2001, Sanders had work done on his car. He was given a bill for the amount of $4,265.57. Not unreasonable for a multi-millionare. When Deion when to pick up his car, he handed the mechanic a check for $1,500, well short of the original price. His rational..."Praise Jesus...I follow what in my heart I'm told to pay.'' Can't argue with that. Brilliant. Maybe I'll send Deion an e-mail telling him to pay me one million dollars.

In unrelated news, you may recall a story from a week ago about a truck pulling a trailer full of hay that was burning on the side of the road. At the time I thought that was pretty wild. Pretty unlucky. Well, it's not half as wild as what happened in Texas a few days ago. Two eighteen wheelers crashed into one another. Now, try to think of two things that you wouldn't want eighteen wheelers to be hauling when they crash and catch on fire. How about fuel. And lumber. That's reblazing. What a wonderful world we live in.


07.12.03

Kobe, Kobe, Kobe. My poor boy. People think, man, he was such a clean-cut, stand-up guy, how could he have done it? Well, nothing’s as good as it seems, maybe Kobe's not so squeaky clean. The point is, that this whole situation got me thinking. Could you plead insanity to sexual assault charges, or any charges for that manner, based on pussy? To answer this question, let's see how it plays out in a court of law. But be warned, the following contains gratuitous use of the word "pussy" and may be offensive to vagina-bearing readers.

Judge: “How do you plead?”
Client: “I plead insanity.”
Judge: "Insanity? Please explain."
Client (in a sort of crazy voice): "You see your honor, pussy make me crazy. The shit literally drives me insane. The look, the feel, the smell of pussy. Crazy, crazy, crazy. Don't believe me? Bring in some pussy right now. I'll go crazy. In fact, just thinkin' bout pussy is makin' me crazy. Waaaaahhhhrrrggg!"
Guards restrain the now pussy-crazed client.
Judge: "I see your point. Pussy does make a man crazy. Case dismissed."

I am a legal genius.


07.08.03

Lots of things cause traffic jams on the highway. This 4th of July weekend I saw something so amazing that not only did I gawk, I took a picture of it. I ask you, what could be worse than driving along and all of a sudden your truck catches on fire? How about if that burning truck you’re driving is pulling a trailer full of hay. And that hay is also on fire. Good god almighty, that is some bad luck. Bad luck for the man in the truck and bad luck for the three miles worth of cars backed up while firefighters fought the blaze.


Reblazing.

And speaking of odd, rest areas are creepy. There's just something wrong with people who feel the need to have a picnic at a park on the side of the highway. The only reason you should stop at a rest area is to use the bathroom. That should be done quickly and efficiently. No lollygagging around. No Frisbee in the parking lot. And certainly none of what I saw at a rest stop on Sunday. A man sitting on the hood of his car drinking a beer. Huh? That doesn't seem like a smart idea.

But, I’ll give rest areas some credit. They come through when you need them. I was in dire need of a toilet Sunday, so I got off at an exit after seeing the sign indicating gas and food. The little arrows told me that if I turned right I would find a Wendy’s and a Mobil. Well, I turned right. And I drove. And I drove. And I drove. The longer I drove, the more fury built inside me. The more fury that built, the faster I drove. It was downright dangerous. And all because of that misleading sign. There should be a law stating you can’t put one of those signs up unless your establishment is close to the highway. Because not everyone who’s getting off has twenty minutes to drive into some shitty town just to use the john.

Long story short, I was very happy to finally reach that rest stop. And that truck was burning. And so was some hay.

Thanks to Jack Stead for the topic suggestion today. Jack has also moved back home with his parents, so he is now part of a special brethren. Salutations, juice.


06.18.03

Remember this song?

"Do your balls hang low,
do they wobble to and fro,
can you tie 'em in a knot,
can you tie 'em in a bow,
can you throw 'em over your shoulder,
like a continental soldier,
do your balls hang loooooow?"

It's miraculous that so many people know it. Throw them over your shoulder like a continental soldier? That's some word craftsmanship, my friends.

Also incredulous is the fact that I thought this was an original song about balls. Turns out it's a remake of a song about your ears hanging low.


06.13.03

Girls all think their friends are cute, even if they are not.

That is the worst problem in America.

Have you ever heard a girl say, "Oh Jane, yeah, she's nice but she's terrible to look at." Or even, "She's sweet, but she's not so cute." You can never get an objective opinion from a girl. That's why you can't let girls fix you up with their friends. You think you're going out with a cute girl and BAM! you spend the night looking at the ground because your date has a big horse-head.*

Then when you ask your friend why she said your date was cute, and you get, "She's a great person. The way she looks is only one part." Yes, but that is the part I try to have sex with.

Be honest girls. I have ugly friends. So do you.

*I have never been set up with an ugly girl by a friend. This is based on second hand information and speculation.


06.12.03

I know I've said it before, but how can places not figure out how to eliminate long lines? Waiting in line is one of the most terrible things you can ever do with your life and Home Depot is officially one of the worst places in the world. Maybe even worse than the post office or the airport. I've never been there and waited in line for less than five minutes. And I'm never buying more than one or two things. Here's a hint Home Depot...OPEN MORE REGISTERS! You've got 50. Why only use 2? Morons. You know when your busy times are going to be, and if you don't it's not hard to figure out.

The five worst offenders:
5. Farmer Jack
4. Airport
3. Post Office
2. Home Depot
1. Secretary of State

What makes it even worse, is places that seem to have this problem are often places you go in a hurry. That amplifies the fury of waiting in line ten-fold. Man, just thinking about it makes me want to bash my keyboard to bits. I used to think that if I murdered someone it would be in rush hour traffic, but now I know it will be waiting in line. Like that idiot that somehow has forgotten that when it's their turn in line they're going to have to pay for their items. How does that happen? Ten minutes in line is plenty of time to find a checkbook in your purse, or dig into the pockets of your super-tight jeans to get your wallet. Be prepared, goddamn degenerates.

Anyone know what the worst problem in America is?
This guy knows what I'm talking about.

"People with x's are doing great things."
-Everess


06.10.03

One thing that's miraculous is the mall's ability to trick you into thinking it's a good place to eat. Working five minutes from a mall with a decent food court, I've fallen victim to this cunning ploy. At least once a week, my brain thinks "you know what would be good today, Jim? Some chinese food from the mall, or maybe some bourbon chicken." Even though common sense reminds me that all food in that food court is terrible and makes me feel like ass, I still go, order the same things and get the same results. Even conditioning can't teach me. I'm dumber than a dog.

On another subject, even though I have no interest in motorcycles, motorcycle culture or engines of any sort, I love American Chopper on the Discovery Channel. My goal in life is now to work at Orange County Choppers and be one of the guys. A few more weeks of watching and I should be able to build my own bike.


06.04.03

One thing that sort of frightens me is opening doors that open toward me. Let's say you're reaching for a door and there's no window on the door, so you can't see if anyone's on the other side, then someone coming the opposite direction is in a real hurry, so they fling the door open just as you're about to grab the handle and bash your hand. Yowsers. That could really mangle your paw.

That's what I picture when opening a door at least once a day.
05.29.03

I can see how people could become workaholics. It starts out by simply working. Then you work more and more. And more. Eventually, you get so used to working that it feels natural, like what you should be doing. You might even enjoy it. Then, when you're doing nothing and you get the chance to work, you actually go ahead and work, giving up free time. Doing nothing feels more and more like a waste of time. And not only that, it feels like a disappointment. Because the whole time you're working, you can't wait to go have a drink, or do this or do that, then when you do it you discover its not nearly as fun as your brain remembered it.

Making money also has a lot to do with this. The more you work, in theory, the more money you make. The more money you make the more things you'll be able to do and buy. The only problem is that you work so much, you can't enjoy them. It's a catch-22, if you will.

As a great man once said, "it makes me feel good to be responsible." He later added, "And working hard makes me feel like a better man."

All that being said, I still enjoy laying on the couch or sleeping for an entire day. Every day when I wake up, I think, man, I bet I could sleep until this afternoon. And I could.

Waking up is the worst thing ever invented.


05.23.03

One thing that always makes me happy is to see an ambulance speeding down the road. I'm not happy that someone is hurt. I'm not happy because someone is being helped. I'm happy because everyone else stops driving and pulls to the side of the road, allowing the ambulance to go by. It warms my heart. Though people might not realize it, this is one gesture that shows we care about one another, whether we realize it or not. That there's something more important than getting somewhere a few seconds earlier or making it through a light before it changes. It's just nice to see people collectively doing something unselfish, because as a whole, people act pretty shitty toward one another most of the time.

Good work everyone. Have a good Memorial Day weekend.


05.14.03

Vijay Singh.

My poor, poor man.

I admire your testicles.

To actually come out and say that you think Annika Sorenstam does not belong on the PGA tour. To point out that women have their own tour. And Vijay, oh Vijay, you said that you hope she misses the cut. That's cold. You said if you were paired with her you’d drop out. You've just become a bullseye for angry lesbians and even regular women alike.

But I thank you. Thanks for being a man, Mr. Singh. Thanks for being the first to say what most other players were probably thinking. Thanks for calling out this publicity stunt for what it is. Thanks for sticking up for all the guys fighting legitimately for a spot on the men's PGA tour. Thanks for setting aside "politically correct" and "tact" and "common sense."

Sure, he's going to get roasted for this. And sure, he probably shouldn't have said what he did. And sure, maybe it's sexist. But the thing is, you can tell he speaks with no malice and is not looking to be in the spotlight. He's not against women. He's just speaking his mind. Some people will try to compare this to a racial thing, saying a dark skinned man on the tour should be more conscious of what he says. Well guess what, men and women ARE different physically. Men aren't allowed to go play on the LPGA Tour. Women decided they should have their own athletic leagues and teams. Why? Because they're girls.

"This is a man's tour," Vijay said. "There are guys out there trying to make a living. It's not a ladies' tour. If she wants to play, she should -- or any other woman for that matter -- if they want to play the man's tour, they should qualify and play like everybody else."

In light of this, I'll be watching. I hope Annika does well. Her driving average is a mere 10 yards less than the average of PGA players and her accuracy is actually better. It’ll be interesting to see what happens. I've played against girls smaller than me who can absolutely dominate the course (Jennifer Jean-Marie), so I know women can play. I just don't think Vijay deserves the contempt he's getting for wanting a woman to earn her spot in the tournament.

This being said, does anyone have any cute girls they'd like to set me up with?


05.12.03

I don't understand the airline industry.

First, seat prices are not at all standard. You could pay $200 for your ticket and end up sitting next to someone who paid $800. Where's the sense in that? This leads to constant bargain hunting and a feeling like no matter what, you probably got screwed somehow. It seems like there should be some sort of law against this.

Then, they have the audacity to sell more tickets than they have seats on the plane. They "overbook". That is ridiculous. Seems like it wouldn't be that hard to keep track of how many seats are on a plane. For instance, when you sell that many tickets, STOP SELLING! Don't tell people they can have a ticket to travel at a certain time, and then when they get there tell them, "Sorry, but we sold your seat to someone else, we'll just put you on the next flight." The hell you will. Put me on the goddamn plane I bought a ticket for.

And is there another industry where you so blindly make an investment? You never know what kind of plane you'll be on, what amenities the plane will have, if you'll get a meal, etc. Before you buy a ticket, the travel agent, or internet, should tell you what your plane has. I was just on two 4-5 hour flights that had NO in flight meal and NO movies. Worthless.

And I know I've mentioned it before, but what is the big deal about reclining your seat during take-off and landing? What's the difference? You can only "decline" about three degrees anyways. Does that shift in weight really affect the plane's balance? I'd like to see the physics on that one.

Or listening to a portable cd player? Are you telling me that your Sony Discman could somehow cause the plane's equipment to malfunction during take-off or landing? Hmmmm...if that's the case, maybe it's time the airline industry upgraded their equipment.

All in all, I don't know that there's an industry less dedicated to customer satisfaction than the airline industry. If there were another way to travel as fast, I'd boycott planes.


Return to home page