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Navigating The Scale As everyone knows, both for men and women, there exists such a thing as a “Hot Scale.” On this scale you can rate members on the opposite sex as to how attractive they are. The scale goes from ten down to one (or zero in the cruelest of scales) with ten being the hottest and one being not very hot at all. This being said, you clearly want to score as high on this scale as you can. So, ladies, for your benefit here are some ways to either move up on the scale or at least keep yourself from sliding below where you belong. This list is extensive, but not all-inclusive, so feel free to suggest additions. Acquire an accent. There’s nothing hotter than a girl with a foreign accent or a girl who speaks broken English. Go live in a foreign country for six or seven years. Be born to foreign parents. Take acting classes. This guarantees you to move up at least one point on the scale, possibly two mattering on how cute your accent is. Wear those thick-rimmed east coast looking glasses. I’m not sure what it is, but there’s something about those glasses. You just assume the girl wearing them will be sort of witty and smart. Be witty and smart. Sure, sometimes idiots are funny, but that’s just a novelty of sorts. What is good is a girl who can keep a guy on his toes. Guys love to give people shit and we respect someone who can give it back. Participate in the conversation. We like to hear ourselves talk, but if we have to do all the talking it’s annoying. Don’t ever call us on the phone and not have anything to say. But, also, don’t complain during a conversation that we “never talk about anything meaningful.” Go running. Not only will it help keep you in shape, but whenever you see a girl running, you just sort of assume she will be hot. Be tan, but not fake tan. Everyone looks better when they’re tan. But when everyone is pale, you don’t really lose points for being pale. You do, however, lose points for being ridiculously tan or orange. Achieve the proper level of sports knowledge. We don’t want another one of the guys. Know enough about sports (what teams are in which sports, what the championship of each sport is called, the top 3-4 players in each sport, the basic concept of how the game works), but not too much (knowing every player on a team, owning the jersey of a player, knowing all the rules). It’s ok to ask us questions about sports, because having to explain things to you makes us feel smart. Play a sport. It shows you’re competitive, athletic and not afraid to get your hands dirty. However, don’t be a brute. The more your body resembles a man’s, the more points you’ll drop on the scale. Be a good person. By this I mean love children and puppies. Feel bad for fat people. Treat your family good. Give us gifts. A mediocre girl can move up quite a few places based on her personality. Consequently, a hot girl can drop down if she’s a shitty person. This is one area where the playing field can really be leveled. Be ambitious. A hard working girl is attractive. Don’t tell us about how spoiled you are or how you’re daddy’s little girl. That screams, “I’m probably a huuuge pain in the ass.” It doesn’t hurt to be respectable. Be smooth. One sure way to lose points is to have too much hair anywhere aside from the top of your head. For every place we can see hair (armpits, legs, thick dark hair on arms, one loner long hair on a breast and moustaches) you lose a point. You probably lose two for having a moustache. The smoother you are, the better. Smooth and soft. Don’t have a boy’s haircut. You should never be in a position where someone could wonder “is that a boy or a girl.” Don’t obsess about your looks. Looking good is a bonus. But putting on make-up before and after you do everything—and even sometimes during things—is not attractive. Part of the magic of make-up is that it tricks us into thinking you’re better looking than you are. Always fixing yourself up in front of us is like a magician explaining how he does his tricks as he performs them. Don’t talk too much about your ex. Unless you’re bad-mouthing him, don’t tell us. We don’t want to know. “Oh, Johnny had such a horse-cock.” How do you think that makes us feel? We should always feel like the smartest, most handsome, witty and well endowed man you’ve ever dated. Don’t talk to your ex. Don’t talk to your ex. Have good teeth. Get braces. Use Crest Whitestrips. Spare no expense for clean, white chompers. Have good breath. Pleeeeaasse have good breath. Stink-mouth has the ability to drop you right down to zero. Brush your teeth. Use mints. Chew gum. Whatever it takes. Blowjobs, blowjobs, blowjobs. While we’re on the subject of mouths, it doesn’t hurt to use yours. Be natural. Be happy with who you are. A little lipo or breast enhancement never killed anyone, but when you go from A to Double D it just looks wrong. Be confident. We can tell. Confident is not the same as “be an uppity bitch.” Rather, it’s being comfortable with your personality, your looks, your friends, etc. A little confidence can go a long ways. Don’t take up feminist causes. We don’t mind equality, but leave fighting for women’s rights to the lesbians. Don’t talk about your BM or “cycle”. The last thing we want to hear about is your bowel movements or period. We should think of your special area as a beautiful flower intended solely for both yours and our pleasures. Also, our illusion should be that you never poop or fart. Don’t say “dude” very often. Once in awhile is ok, but be an adult. If you’re some sort of West Coast Surfer girl, I suppose it’s acceptable, but try and keep your usage down. Don’t curse. Men are expected to curse. Women should not. A girl can go from “Kelly” to “Foul-Mouth Kelly” in a matter of a few shits and a fuck. You don’t want to be that foul mouthed girl, do you? Show a little skin. Don’t be a whore, but give us a hint as to what lies beneath. Have something unique about you. Whether it’s a strange phobia, a crazy hobby, or maybe you just eat all your food with a knife and a fork, even sandwiches, it’s the little things that can sometimes make a girl hot. And last, the best way to move up the scale… Make out with another girl. This will instantly jump you up anywhere between one and five points, guaranteed. If you’re both wearing only panties, you could both potentially double your score. I hope you’ve found this list helpful and only slightly offensive. One last item you must obey is to never, ever confront a man with anything you’ve read here. I’m probably breaking three laws of being a man just by making it available for female perusal, but hey, I want you to be the best you can be. I’m nice like that. |