the lord our savior

November ’01 through January ‘02


An archive of the lord our savior's beloved baby jesus editorials between November 2001 and January 2002. Topics include bees, Mark Cuban, bombs, pirates, airplane policies and being a rock star.



1/19/02

Everyone should probably see this:
Cinamon Challenge
Thanks to Fidel Castro. I don't know where you found this gem, but it is grrrreat.


1/17/02

I bet it would be interesting to be a cashier at a grocery store sometimes.

Last night I stopped by Kroger to pick up some milk. It was almost midnight and somehow there were about 12 people in line. Aside from listening to the man and woman in front of me discuss NASCAR for ten minutes, I was most interested in what the woman behind me was purchasing.

Items:
1 bag of unpopped popcorn kernels
4 units of 3 lb. logs of ground beef (12 pounds of ground beef)
Orange Tic-Tacs

It would be interesting to find out what motivates someone to go out at midnight to purchase such an array of items. I mean, the guy in front of me bought 12 beers, and I was pretty sure what he was going to do with those, but 12 pounds of beef?

Also, the lady two spots ahead of me was buying the motherload of ketchup, 3 giant things of it. Maybe she was friends with the beef lady.


1/14/02

Thanks to KJ for this information:
What do Bees do in the Winter? Bees do not hibernate. In the fall, the queen stops laying eggs and the bees cluster in a ball and sort of shiver to keep warm. On a warm winter day bees will fly. On cold days and nights, they stay clustered together. The hive population declines sharply during the winter months. Sometime probably in the middle of January, the queen will start laying a few eggs. Worker bees will keep that brood warm - over 90 degrees even if the temperature outside is minus 10 degrees.


1/13/02

How do bees live through the winter? Do they fly south? Are they not affected by the cold? They probably just stay in their hive, sitting by the fire, enjoying some nice warm honey.
I never see bees in the winter.


1/11/02

Well, it's a new year and I'm still alive. That's good.

I have found my idol in the world. His name is Mark Cuban. He is the owner of the Dallas Mavricks. Not only is he rich, but he is crazy.
Just recently he criticized the head of NBA referee's for not doing his job and stated "...I wouldn't hire him to manage a DQ."

The league responded by fining him $500,000. Holy shit that's a lot of money. I can't imagine ever even having that much money, let alone being fined it.

Then, Dairy Queen released a statement challenging Cuban to actually manage a DQ for a day to see what it's like. Cuban said that yes, he would manage a DQ, and that the reason he said what he did was not because he doesn't think DQ is good, but rather because he loves Blizzards and he had been thinking about them.
He went on to say that when he did work there he would like to wear a uniform with the name "Tony" embroidered on it, for no other reason than he would consider it funny.

Ha. That's great.

This year, he's hired secret staticians to track all the mistakes made in the NBA. He's also been fined by the City of Dallas for flashing a Mavrick's logo in the sky and onto buildings like the Batman symbol. I'm not sure why that's illegal, but it's good and crazy.

In summary, if you're going to be rich you might as well be crazy and have a passion for something, it's just more fun.


12/13/01

I heard the bombs we're using to destroy huts and caves cost $21,000 each, and those aren't even the big ones. I wish I never had heard this. Do you know how many people you can feed, how many homes you can build, educations you can pay for, etc, with that kind of money. Granted, revenge is good, but I imagine the cost of bombing an already destroyed country is getting outrageous.

Of course you can argue, what good would that money be if we weren't free and we were in danger all the time. Come on. Does anyone really believe that we couldn't have found more efficient ways of dealing with this problem?

Instead of using bombs to destroy shacks and caves, why don't we use rocks? Rocks are free, and there are a lot of them. Load up a plane with some giant boulders, and start dropping those things. I'd be scared of a giant boulder crushing me or my car or my house or my cave. Also, we could use catapaults, which would lessen the amount of money we have to spend on planes and such. And, after we drop the boulders, if they don't break we could use them again. A never ending free weapon. Sounds good to me.

In conclusion, $21,000 is a lot of money for one bomb. Boulders are free and probably not hard to find. I should be a General. Or the guy who aims the catapaults. It would be like playing "castles" or "gorillas" for anyone who remembers those games.


12/6/01

Did anyone else hear about a sailor from New Zealand, Blake, who was famous for racing in the America's Cup. And did you hear about how he was sailing on the Amazon and was killed by pirates. Pirates.

Are you shitting me? I must say, I was excited that there were real pirates still roaming the sea. However, there's no pirates anymore. What I pictured when I first heard about this, and what actually took place were two very different things.

There's many things that make you a pirate(i.e. eye patch, swords, peg legs, parrots, a plank), and the men who killed this man were not pirates. They were robbers. With little rubber boats and masks and guns.

Conclusion: Pirates = good Robbers = bad


12/5/01

Recently there have been a wave of commercials on television and radio that make me want to eat a shotgun. They all involve companies who thought it would be clever to take a Christmas tune and make up their own words for it. People in the Detroit area may be familiar with the Greektown Casino commercial, in which some jackass doesn't even make the words try and sound like the song, he just says them fast. I hope whoever made these spots gets coal in their stockings, because they've been terrible this year.

On the contrary, there are some commercials that are not really good, but contain good parts. Like whenever I see the Volkswagon commercials where the kids are supposed to sell candy, I spend the rest of my day shouting the principal's line, "A weekend pass to Coastal Kingdom!" I don't know why that's good, but it is. Just like the little boy in the Best Buy commercial who shouts, "The Monster Raft!"

And then there are some commercials that are fantastic and most people will never get to see.

Hooray Beer!


12/04/01

One thing you should know if you own a grocery store is that at some point (say, midnight) you should put a lock on the tank that holds the live lobsters. There's no telling when someone might wander along and remove one or two of the lobsters and set them on the floor for some sort of lobster race. Nothing looks as out of place as a confused lobster wandering down an aisle in the supermarket.

Can lobsters breathe air?

Is "breathe" how you spell that, or "breath"?

Also, if you have a suite at a concert or any event and you can somehow convince the guys checking tickets to direct any hot women into your suite instead of back to their seats, that is a good idea.


11/15/01

Quote-UnQuote: Mark Cuban, crazy owner of the Dallas Mavericks, after Shawn Bradley was given a technical foul for swearing, "You can't call that," said Cuban, shouting from behind the Mavericks bench. "He's a Mormon. He doesn't say things like that."

Ha. Mormons are funny.

Mark Cuban is the pinnacle of what the owner of a sporting franchise should be. Rich. Passionate about his team. And just the right amount of eccentric.

He once was fined for taking a giant spotlight and flashing the Maverick's Logo around Dallas like the Batman symbol. If that's not great thinking, I don't know what is.

On a different note, don't forget how good oranges are to eat. You may think it's difficult to peel them, but it's well worth the trouble.


11/13/01

On Sunday night, flying home from Boston, we were getting ready to land when the stewardess came on and, as they always do, asked us to return our seats to an upright position and secure our trays. So I locked my tray up into position and pressed the button on the arm of my seat, allowing it to move up six inches, or the equivilent of approximately three degrees.

What difference can it possibly make if I'm sitting with my back in the upright position, or leaned five inches farther back? Is it for safety? Am I less likely to perish in a crash if I'm sitting upright in a less comfortable position? What if I was real fat and had a fat head, then when my chair was upright, I might actually be too far forward and leaning back might be safer.

Either way, it seems unreasonable that I can't relax (if you can call reclining an almost unnoticable distance relaxing) while the plane lands and takes off. I can't imagine a crash investigator saying, "Yep, here's the cause. This man appeared to not only be reclined, but his tray was down. The pilot didn't account for this and at the last minute the difference in alotment of weight caused the plane to flip over."

Next time the stewardess asks me to put my seat up, I'll ask her why. I'll bet the only answer she knows is, "so I don't have to do it later, you fuck." But what she'll say is "...it's just regulations."

Before long, I'll also be featured on Biscuitindex.com, so you might want to check it out. There will still be periodic, almost worthless updates to tlos.com, if you care to check. Also, if you hate having to delete these messages from your inbox and you hate reading them, let me know and I'll take you off the mailing list.


11/12/01

Can anyone explain to me why I always have dreams, or rather, nightmares, about bees? I never actually get stung in the dreams, I just have to complete tasks that are near enormous bee hives.

Like crawling through a small attic tunnel that has giant wasp and bee nests covering the ceiling.

Or like last night, I had to shoot a car-sized hive with a slingshot. The bees didn't come after me, but throughout the rest of the dream people kept telling me there were bees in my hair, at which point I would freak out, screaming and trying to untangle the bees without getting stung. Perhaps this means I need a haircut.

It seems no matter where my dreams take me, the bees are always there. And I guess now, I kind of like the excitement of it. And, I bet I look real funny, flailing about in my sleep trying to get the bees out of my hair. Maybe I was meant to be a bee keeper. Or, perhaps this is a prophecy telling me that bees are taking over the world, and that I will be their human master.

I love bees. And ants.


11/9/01

I don't like going to bars where I spend the whole evening saying, "what?" Why would you even go out if you can't hear the people you're talking to, or speak without shouting into their ear. People who like going places where the music is that loud are most likely people with nothing to say.

Also, my ears have always been broken, so for me its even worse. I can't hear what people are saying in a quiet room, let alone in a loud one. Maybe people should just write things down for me.


11/8/01

"The last thing that I want to do is to launch a 10 million dollar missile at a 10 dollar tent and hit a camel in the ass." -President Bush, to the Cabinet
Whether he really said this or not, it is the truth. If he'd make truthful statements like that more often, I'd respect him more.

Also, can anyone say for sure whether it is ok for a man to date a woman who is taller than him? I say no.

That would lead to all sorts of problems, especially when she had heels on. Or when you played basketball. It would also probably reverse how they put their arms over eachothers shoulders when walking side by side. The man would have to go around the waist, and the woman over his shoulder. That would look funny.


11/5/01

One thing you should write down so you don't forget it when your older is "don't wear purple pants." I'm not sure how anyone, especially a middle-aged man, can look in the mirror and think "man, these are some sharp looking pants." They're purple.


11/1/01

"If I Were A Rock Star."

Part One – Weed Head

Despite what your parents and doctors have told you, drugs are good. Not that I know, but from my limited personal experience, I’d wager that all drugs are fun to do. The only reason most people don’t do them is because they’re scared of the consequences that are linked with drug use. (i.e. jail, memory loss, death, spending too much money)

But, if you’re a rock star, a member of an honest to goodness band, one that plays rock and roll on a stage for money, it is perfectly acceptable to use drugs. In fact, not only is it acceptable, but it’s almost part of your job. It's expected. Whenever I see a band, I think, "Man, I wonder what that guys all jacked-up on?" As a rock star, unless you die from them, or kill someone , the more fucked up you are, the better you are at your job.

Why is this good? Because I like being fucked up. I would do every drug I could get my hands on. I would do as many drugs as possible and live my life in a constant drug induced altered reality. I have an addictive personality. Which really lends itself well to the world of rock and roll. The only thing that keeps me from abusing substances is the fact that I am not, indeed, in a band.

If I were a rock star, I'd always be fucked up.


Part II – As Many As You Want

This segment relates to male rock stars. Ladies, I don't know anything about being a female rock star. If you have any questions, maybe you should ask that girl from No Doubt.

By looking at rock and roll members in general, I’ve concluded that it doesn't really matter what you look like, if you're on a stage, getting paid to play music, you will have sex with a lot of girls. And I don't mean a lot as in 11 or 12. I mean a lot as in you can do as many girls as you want.

And you can have several of them at once.

Or one after another.

And you can be mean to them. No flowers. No candy. No apologies. Just a lot of doin’ it.

Gene Simmons was on Craig Kilborn a few nights ago boasting about his 4,300 scores. 4,300. Not he had sex 4,300 times, but he had it with 4,300 different ladies. And the story he told, tame by comparison to some others, was of a mother-daughter combination. Now, at first, this seems sick and wrong, but, when you look at it through the eyes of a man who’s had sex with 4,300 unique individuals, it’s small potatoes. After all, he's a rock legend.

Now any man who tells you that this lifestyle is not his ultimate goal is lying. Rock stars have achieved what we we all set out to do. The rest of us all just got side-tracked along the way. Many of us are happily sidetracked. But, when a story comes on tv about rock stars and the groupies that love them, take a look around and tell me if the men in the room don’t get a sort of envious "that could have been me" look in their eyes.

If I were a rock star, I would have to do every girl. Even real ugly ones(and it wouldn't matter, cause I'd be all fucked up on drugs). And I would do all the nastiest shit you could never tell anyone about. And I would video tape it all. From my seed would spring an army of children, to all of whom I would deny being their father. But I would send them birthday presents anonymously. And in the end, I'd marry a girl who is addicted to perscription drugs.


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