the lord our savior

August through October 2001


An archive of the lord our savior's beloved baby jesus editorials between August and October 2001. Topics include e-ticketing, moving lessons, haircuts, name association, long lines, charging for bathrooms and living at home.



10/29/01

I'd like to take this opportunity to thank e-ticketing for making my airport experience much easier. By checking in at the e-ticket terminal instead of waiting in that damned line, I was in and out in less than five minutes. From now on, when I see people waiting in line, I'll either assume they are not very smart, don't know about e-ticketing, or have some sort of odd "line fetish."

I'm not ashamed to admit that each night I look forward to watching Blind Date. One thing I noticed people saying a lot when they talk about themselves stood out as particularly dumb.
"Um, I enjoy doing fun things." No shit. That is really insightful. You like doing fun things? As opposed to what, doing boring things?
"I like doing boring things. Mostly, I spend a lot of time sitting still in an empty room. Yeah, I enjoy that a lot. Also, I like to wait in line at the bank and read instruction manuals and warranties."

Also, lineofthenight.com is back, as is the NBA, so if you're a fan, check it out.


10/26/01

Whoa. Just when you thought he was gone for good, baby j is back. There is no reason for the lack of recent activity other than pure laziness. There's something to be said for a person who feels it's too much effort to do anything but lay in bed and watch television.

And on television I saw something sort of foolish. On a preview of what "Inside Edition" would be doing stories about, they had several items related to anthrax and other terrotist items and also a story about "America's newfound love of horror films."
What?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but hasn't America always loved horror films? And, isn't it nearing Halloween? A time when most horror films are slated to be released. A time when, yes, amazingly, people do love to watch horror films. Inside Edition needs to check their sources, or at least make sure they stop saying stupid things.

Quotes that have been waiting to be shared:

"Is the Hokey Pokey really what it's all about?"
-a sign in a school

"There is a bird convention in Ann Arbor, with millions of birds attending."
-Kristen J.

Thanks to Doc for this cab driver story: (about lines at the airport) My cab driver shook his head and said that he hoped eventually there will be some sort of "electronic system" developed so these nasty lines can be avoided. This guy may could be onto something.

Also, I am guilty of watching survivor sometimes, and I just want to say that the old man who was running around with the feather in his ass-crack was funny.


September




9/20/01

If you are a man and you claim to be a vegetarian, you might as well be flying a rainbow flag in front of your house. We all know.

One thing I know is that you can never have too many commercials with mascots. This guy knows what I'm talking about.

If you've earned the name "pukemouth" in a certain location, you should not go back there.

The same is true if you have pissed the couch in any given location. Especially if that location is your friend's parent's house. And you ran away without telling them. Then called from a payphone.


9/13/01

One lesson I've learned recently is that you should never purchase anything big and expensive BEFORE you take it 1000 miles across the country. Because you might not be able to fit it in your door.
Take for instance a couch.
Because then you'd be forced to sell it to a tattooed old man at a used furniture store for less than half it's value. Without ever sitting on it once.
Fuck.
Live and learn, I guess.
I also learned a lesson about Fantastic Sam's. Lesson being, don't ever go there. They only know "crew cut" and "your mother/female gymnist" styles. So, when I said, "can you take off an inch or so," I received the latter. I guess if you don't clarify "crew cut" whatever you say is assumed by default to be an old woman's haircut. I still tipped three dollars. What a shithead.
(not necessarily funny part)
Thanks should be given to the real lord our savior for keeping some of our friends and family alive through the terror in new york. We also should ask him to take care of those no longer with us. And to kill whomever helped plan that, unless they are children, in which case, he should break all their toys.

Also, thanks to Everess's "happy feet" which carried him to safety. If you're ever in trouble, know that running is almost always the best solution(except in the case of wild-life confrontations, for which you should consult your boyscout manual).


9/7/01

It's funny how name association can cause people to feel a certain way about someone they don't know. For instance, when I was little I knew a girl named Dawn and she was..well, lets just say not beautiful. No, actually, let's say she was kind of repulsive. So now, whenever someone says anything about someone named Dawn, the first thing I think is "She must be ugly." Besides that, Dawn is just a terrible name.

And then some people just ruin names completely. For instance, take the name Adolf. You think parents are rushing to name their kids Adolf? ThereËs not anything inherently evil about the name itself. It just so happens that a bad person had the name and now whenever you hear the name Adolf you think "huh, he kills jews." How do you think people would react if you went around introducing yourself as Adolf? You probably wouldnËt be overwhelmed with warm greetings.

IËm naming my kid Napolean. Or maybe Ghingas.


9/6/01

One rule, especially in the workplace, should be that if you have nasty mangled feet you should not wear sandals. This morning on the elevator there was an older man, probably about 45. He was dressed nicely, except for his feet, on which he wore some sort of open-toed sandals.
Well, let me tell you, this man's toenails were not actually toenails. They were some sort of giant, yellow, waxy, square scales that frighten even the bravest onlooker. Now, can it be that this man just didn't realize his toenails, and for that matter the toes themselves, are unsightly? I'm not sure how that could happen, because those fuckers were nasty.
Let that be a lesson to you. Have a look at you toes. If anything comes to mind other than "Damn, I've got some nice looking feet," you should strongly consider wearing shoes.

Don't forget to check out www.thelordoursavior.com every week or so, as even the laziest man can spare the time to add something once in awhile.


August



8/25/01

A grasshopper's ears are located on its abdomen.

How can it be that some places no matter how long they've been in business can't eliminate long lines? Mainly, I am refering to the airport, the post office, and the secretary of state.

I have to give the airport some credit. They've been working to cut down on lines. With things such as e-ticketing and at-gate check in, they've helped themselves some. But it is still not uncommon to wait twenty minutes or longer in line at a large airport. As for the secretary of state and the post office, I mostly just hope I never have to go to these places.

Can it be that hard to figure out how to solve the problem? They could start by trying out the old "more workers" strategy, which seems to have worked well for fast food chains. I'm sure there is a way to figure out what part of the day you most commonly will need a lot of workers, and what part will require only a few. Apparently, these organizations are not run by geniuses. Is that the plural of genius? Or is it "geni"? Apparently I am no genius.

Another place that has abnormally long waits is Farmer Jack. Going there only makes me love Kroger more.


8/24/01

I started the last entry to talk about a suggestion for an improvement I had for public bathrooms. Music. That's all I want. If there was music playing, then I wouldn't have to listen to the guy next to me grunting and shifting trying to get that last piece of shit out. More importantly, I wouldn't have to worry about people hearing the strange things I do to complete a full bowel movement.

Would that be so hard? Just some music. Right now if there's someone else in the bathroom I leave. I just can't do it. And I shouldn't have to.


8/23/01

I think Coors light could have thought a little harder about their current campaign. Boasting that the beer is "cold" doesn't necessarily sell me on the product. I'm quite sure that other beers are cold as well.


8/22/01

Currently there's no charge to use public bathrooms in America. You can pretty much come and go as you please. Of course some establishments won't let people use the bathroom unless they buy something, which I sort of understand. But come on, we're all humans. We all know that feeling when we can't go one more step without shitting. Where you can feel it coming out even before your pants come down. How are you going to deny someone your toilet when they're in this state?

Or make them buy something? When you're feeling that kind of pressure and a clerk says you have to buy something, does it really matter what you buy? It only makes the shit have to come out ten times worse. You frantically search for something, trying to grab the cheapest thing possible. But, I'll wager that some large purchases have been made due to shit-pressure. If the only thing you can find costs $50, isn't it worth it to throw the clerk your credit card, say "wrap this up" and head for the can? It's either that or shit your pants.

So, let this be a plea, to anyone who happens to read this site and also work in some sort of establishment where people might ask to use the bathroom, be generous. It's not costing you anything. They won't use that much toilet paper. The smell will go away. We're all humans. Human is a funny word.


8/21/01

You know what's a funny word?
Human.
I think it would be great if people started using human more in their everyday conversations. For example:

"Humans never go rollerskating anymore."
or
"Do you like the dress that human was wearing?"
or
"Good to see you again, human."

Currently you only hear it in statements like "Well, he's only human."
Only human? What the fuck is that? Being human rules, dude.

Human. Ha.

Talk to you humans later.


8/20/01

I was looking through some old files I had on my computer and I found a news story I had copied that if you haven't seen, you should.
Have a look:
BETHLEHEM, Pennsylvania (AP) -- A Pennsylvania construction worker accidentally cut off his hand with a power saw and then shot himself in the head with a nail gun several times, apparently hoping to end his pain, police said.
Wow.

Wow.


8/19/01

Man, some wierd shit happened today.

First, I held the door at my office for a construction worker carrying a ladder and some tools and he said, "You're a gentleman." Huh? I'm not taking him to a dance. I'm just holding the damned door.

Then, I was in an office with some lady and a guy walked in, who happens to be gay. That’s fine. Then he started talking to the lady and said his "partner was sick” but he still had to "cudipinisis". After some inquiry we clarified that his partner was a doctor of sorts and even though sick he had to "cut off penises" that day. Whoa.

Then, at Meijer, a fat man was sitting on the floor sorting through all the videos on sale. I don't know what's wierd about that, but is sure was funny.

Good night.

8/18/01

Sonovabitch. That was a long time to not update the site. I could say that I have been really busy with other things, but in reality, how busy can a man who lives in his parent's basement ever really be?
That's right, I live in my parent's basement. A "home dweller," if you will. I'm one of those guys you hear about when old people are bitching about their kids to one another.

"You know, I didn't pay for Jonny to go to school for four years so he could come home and drink all the coke I left in the fridge, that coke was for me. Christ, he doesn't even clean his room."

I'm not proud, nor would I say I am extremely happy with the situation. In case you're considering returning to the nest, let me give you a rundown of the good and bads.

Good:
Free food. This can vary mattering on who your parents are. Because my parents both work all the time, there is never a wealth of great meals being made. However, there is a lot of take-out, a lot of leftovers and a fair variety of microwavable items. After awhile, this type of diet forces the "home-dweller" to go purchase his own food at the grocery store.
Free rent. Can't argue with that.

And thus concludes what is good.

Bad:
Having to make small talk with your parents. Some days I just want to sit and watch tv. I don't want to talk about my day.
How many times can your dad ask you if you plan to move out?
No sex. No pornography.
You live in your parent's basement.

So all in all, it's not the worst thing ever, but there's certainly a better way to live.


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