the lord our savior

September through December 2003

12.19.03

One great thing about the world is how much old people love McDonalds. Whether they're working there or dining, it's great to see the elderly enjoying themselves. And while most of the time they appear to be just sitting still, eating solemnly, inside they are filled with joy.

Another great thing is the orange. If you haven't have one in awhile, I recommend you get some of this special fruit.


12.14.03

Today's capture of Saddam Hussein is bound to ignite the old "what should we do to him" debate around water coolers nationwide. Sure, there'll be lots of clever ideas thown out. Burn him. Drown him. Make him wrestle an assortment of dangerous animals. Luckily for all of you, you'll be able to trump these mediocre suggestions with the king of all sentences. Because someone has already come up with the worst possible punishment and I'm about to share it with you.

Here, courtesy of a man known as PotRoast, is the worst possible punishment:
Make him eat himself. Maybe his arms or legs, something that he could live without. Then wait for him to **** himself out. Then, before he dies, make him eat the poo of himself.

That, my friends, is bad.


12.04.03

Speaking of Kansas...

Courtesy of Billy Ames, proud Kansas native:

"I was on an airplane on November 24 and saw the following information in the USA Today:

'Residents of Geuda Springs, Kansas have passed an ordinance requiring most households to have guns and ammunition. Residents who don't comply would be fined $10. The City Council passed the ordinance, 3-2, earlier this month to help protect the town of 210 people. Those who suffer from physical or mental disabilities, paupers, and people who conscientiously oppose firearms would be exempt. Sumner County Sheriff Gerald Gilkey said he is concerned for the safety of his officers. The measure hasn't taken effect. The town's attorney, Thomas Herlocker, said he plans to ask the Council to reverse itself. The Council meets December 1.'"

Now, if that's not ridiculous...well, it is ridiculous, no question. Kansas, crazy and flat. That's their new state motto. Selling point: at least when you're shooting at things you won't have to worry about uneven ground ruining your aim.

And how does having a physical disability exempt you from the law? It seems like the physically disabled would benefit most from having a gun, since they can't really fight at all. That's just a totally thoughtless law. Unless you're crazy. And flat. Then it makes perfect sense.


12.03.03

Courtesy of the November 24, 2003 issue of Time Magazine:

1.000 Mathematical value of perfect flatness
0.957 Flatness of a pancake
0.9997 Flatness of Kansas, as published in a recent scientific study proving that the state is flatter than a pancake

Now that, my friends, is a great scientific study.

I was accidentally in Kansas for approximately ten minutes once. It was pretty flat. But Oklahoma is still the worst state, followed by Ohio.


12.01.03

Thanks to Everess for this gem:
"CNN Story: Teenagers shot in “drive-by”

what is this policeman talking about? speeding didn't kill anyone as far as i can tell. it seems like a gun handled that."

For the record, I don't like guns. I don't want to own one. I don't like to be around them. I just don't trust them. Seems like bad things tend to happen around guns, like people getting shot. Only policemen, army guys and actual deer hunters should be allowed to own them. America is dumb for thinking everyone should have the right to own a gun. And hunters, hunt with a bow and arrow, you cowards.

This is one of the most dangerous things you’ll ever see. Everess and I, both holding loaded shotguns. Whose idea was this?


If I ever owned a gun, I guarantee I would shoot someone. It would sit in a closet or drawer and I would wonder, could I do it? Could I actually go out and shoot someone. I would think about it all the time. And eventually, I'd have to find out. I'd probably shoot something smaller first, like a bird or a dog. And then I'd shoot a person. And that's why I should never own a gun. They say curiousity killed the cat. Well, if that curiousity is from me owning a gun, then yes, it just might.

***

In unrelated news, thanks to Kristen for discovering "bird conventions". Yesterday there was a bird convention in a yard I drove by, with thousands of birds attending. It's great to see, all those birds hopping around eating worms or doing whatever it is birds do at those conventions.


11.24.03

Let's say, for the sake of argument, that it's hot outside. It's not, it's actually freezing-ass cold here in Michigan. But say it was hot, and you go for a run. Let's say you run every day to stay in shape. So you run five or six miles in the hot sun, you're tired, you're sweaty. What do you want? Water? Nope. OJ? Nope. Gatorade? Nope. The answer, some idiot has determined, is Michelob Ultra. Not only is it refreshing, but according to the commercials, you should drink it after or even during exercise and sports. This is pure lunacy. It's beer. If you're so concerned about your physical condition that not only are you working out, but you're actually thinking about what's the best thing for you to drink, here's a hint...it's not beer. Not even Michelob Ultra. Beer is not good for you. Stop being dumb. If you drink it because you like it, fine. But don't tell me you drink it because you're "in training" or "trying to stay fit." That insults me. And in return, I will probably insult you.

I also love people on the Atkins diet. Stop dieting. Start exercising. Stop drinking Michelob Ultra. Start drinking Coors Cutter.

***

"I don’t know where the foot ends and the fashion begins."
-my brother, in reference to those turrible pointy-toed high-heel shoes girls wear

***

Rose Bowl, here I come. Ohio is a terrible state and their football team deserved the spanking they got. It's great to be a Michigan wolverine(repeat and do a jig). Chris Perry for president. Aussie Cheese Fries for president. Janon from Lebanon, I miss you. Buy Risk. Play it.


11.19.03

If you don't already know, you should learn to use "there, their, and they're" properly. You can throw "threw and through," "your and you're" and "to, too and two" on that list. Here and hear, brake and break. Its and it's. Except and accept.

It's (not its) amazing how smart some people are and how terrible they are at spelling. That being said, I don't know very much about grammar. Nor am I entirely sure how to use punctuation properly. Most of the time I just wing it. And later, when I go back and read things over, I typically will notice that I used way too many commas and made some sentences really long and confusing.

Luckily, in advertising, there aren't really any rules for writing. Spell words wrong? People will think you did it on purpose. Incomplete sentences? Entirely acceptable. Forget all about capital letters. Even write in all caps if you want.

ALTHOUGH I HATE CAPS LOCK. Stop being so lazy.


11.17.03

NOTE: The following is likely to be offensive to some women. And I'm alright with that.

Please, please, television, if you're listening, stop letting women announcers do the play by play of football games. They invented "trickeration" and said in reference to John Navarre, "He reminds me of another quarterback who went to Wisconsin...by the name of Brett Favre." First, Brett Farve did not go to Wisconsin. And second, John Navarre should only remind you of a man who has a potato for a head. Being hot will get you[hot woman] onto the sideline and we'll enjoy looking at you in your cute scarf and little hat, but don't try to tell me about football. Tell me about the weather or how a player gets a manicure or something. But not about football. I like women. They're smart and funny and good. But they are not football announcers.

And while we're on the subject, never put a morning sports show on ESPN with three women and one man. I know the thinking. "If we have a morning show with women and a man, maybe husbands will be allowed to watch." Well, you're wrong. Women will not give up their Regis and Kelly or whatever they already watch. And they shouldn't. Those are good shows for girls to watch in the morning. So just give us four back to back episodes of SportsCenter and call it a day.

The world needs more John Maddens and Bill Waltons. Throw it down big fella.

Madden on football players with long hair:
"When I was a player, if a guy had hair coming out of his helmet and you could grab it, well, you grabbed it."

Bill Walton on Jason Kidd:
"He's great. He can do everything, well, everything except shoot."

***

Chris Perry for president. Jason Avant as his running mate. And don't ever forget. Ask who? Askeeeeeeew!


11.14.03

The Secretary of State is one of the worst places. I used to think the long lines there were because they were under-staffed. Yesterday I discovered this is false. They have a ton of employees. The problem is not the number of employees. The problem is the type. Every single employee was a middle-aged or old woman. And every one of these middle-aged or old women looked like they were on the verge of eating a shotgun. They drag-ass around that place at the slowest possible pace looking like God had handed them down the worst possible punishment. Just watching them is enough to send a person into a serious depression. They suck the life and joy right out of you. Of course, if you worked at the Secretary of State, you’d probably look like that too. However, if you’re not a miserable old woman, don’t even apply.

In related news, I have a handicap parking permit now. Good for three months. Cold outside? I can park close. Tired of walking? I’ll drive, I can park close. Going to the bar? I’ll park you right on the doorstep. Anyone need to go to the mall for Christmas shopping? I can park sooooo close.

In more related news, the Pennzoil station I go to for oil changes is great. They always have a young girl come to your window and take your information and ask what services you want. The great thing about this is that I don’t feel like such an idiot when she asks “What kind of oil do you want?” and I have to respond “Car oil? I guess.” If it were some twenty-something oily car guy, he would think I’m a moron. But since girls don’t know anything about cars, my ignorance comes off as a kind of witty, flirty joke.

Man, I’m dumb.

***

The best code of all time:
Up up, down down, left-right-left-right, B A, B A, select start.


11.12.03

I'd like to know what goes through a man's head when he's shopping for shampoo. Especially when he brings home VO5 Tangerine Tickle shampoo. Now to me, shampoo is shampoo. I'd be fine with some Pantene Pro V. Some Johnsons&Johnsons. Some Pert Plus or whatever. But the only way I can rationalize ending up with VO5 Tangerine Tickle shampoo in my cart is to close my eyes and just make a blind grab. And then to make things worse, instead of getting the matching VO5 conditioner, he gets White Rain conditioner. Nothing against White Rain, but why not just get the VO5 conditioner? It was probably right next to the Tangerine Tickle shampoo. This shows that he did not just grab the first shampoo and conditioner he saw, but rather chose a specific shampoo, then a different conditioner. Good work, brother.

For the record, if the shampoo is accurate, I don't really like how tangerines smell. I was also disappointed at the complete lack of tickling it offered.

***

"hehehehe...they called the Ball State Cardinal mascot a cluckhead. I was just calling the Ball State Cardinal mascot a cluckhead myself. Wait a minute...I was just calling the Ball State Cardinal mascot a cluckhead myself..."

Greatness.


11.04.03

There aren't too many things better than being drunk during the day. Normally, drunk takes place at night, in a bar or at a house party. And the same things happen over and over. It gets old.

But when you take drunk and give it some daylight, it's like a beautiful flower blossoming. Now you're talking about madness. Because there's a lot more things you can do during the day. A lot more places you can go. A lot more people around who are not drunk. The world is full of promise and your drunk brain thinks of great things to do.

One of the best examples of this can be found on the Michigan State campus during a time called "tailgating." Despite the maize and blue heart beating in my chest, I have to concede that MSU tailgates are without question the best I have ever been to. The sheer volume of people in attendance, coupled with the sheer volume of alcohol consumed makes this a grand event not matter where you come from.

Note: I meant to write this a week ago (notice the November 4th heading), after coming from the MSU tailgate, but I didn't. So I've forgotten the things I was going to say. The main point of all of them was this: being drunk during the day is good.

Also, if ever you find a spool of rope on the ground, pick it up. It may come in handy.


10.27.03

Some things are good. Some things are bad. About 27 days ago I discovered that breaking your leg, that's bad. I also discovered morphine, that's good. Especially when your leg is broken in half and there's bones jutting out of your calf.

I will say that I believe I passed the "don't be a p*ssy" test I'd been waiting to take. This test consisted of me wondering: if I was ever badly maimed or injured, would I scream and cry like a sissy, or just take it, because what good is screaming and crying going to do. Well, whether it was shock or just plain grit, I mananged to come out of the whole peg-breaking experience cryless and screamless. However, I did come close to losing it on two occasions.

The first was laying in the emergency room. I had been given a healthy portion of morphine and my leg was feeling a bit better than it had from the point of breaking to reaching the hospital. And then my brother came into the room. The look of horror on his face just about brought me to tears. Don't look at me like that. Like they're going to have to cut my mangled leg off. Somehow I had managed to avoid looking at my leg after EMS cut my socks off, so I didn’t see any blood or bones. But my brother got a good look at it. Apparently it did not look great.

"Blood was oozing out like oil."

The second time I almost cried came the day after my first surgery. At approximately 3pm a nurse asked if I had urinated. Being that I had come out general anestetic and was loaded up on morphine, it hadn't really occurred to me. So, laying in bed, I tried to pee into the little jug they give you. Despite my efforts, there was just nothing doin' down there. After a few tries the nurse told me she was going to have to put in a catheter. My immediate response? "Oh no you're not." There's not many things I really don't want, but a tube jammed up my pee-hole ranks pretty high up there. Maybe even higher than breaking my leg. And so, with the help of the nurse and my mom, I spent the next hour trying to pee. Running water. Hand in a bucket of warm water. Balancing on crutches. Rolled on my side. Bent over using one hand to push on my bladder. No technique was left untried. Slowly things started to work again, much to my relief. And at the end I realized that for that particular hour of my life, in an attempt to avoid having something jabbed in my pee-hole, I had been trying harder than I've ever tried at anything in my entire life. It's amazing what a little motivation will do.

And so, welcome back me. I've been lazy for the last month and I apologize. There's been several times I thought, hmmm, I should write that idea up and send it out. And then I forgot it. Oh well, I have a broken leg.


Here are some other things that are good and bad:

Football season, good.
The Lions, bad.
The Lions being so bad, good. I love that they somehow manage to be one of the worst teams in football so consistently.
Chris Perry, good.
John Navarre, bad.
The fact that John Navarre has a potato instead of a head, good.
The new McDonald's Monopoly commercials where that kid's head gets put in different situations, so bad it makes me want to murder something.
Flippy cup, good.
The new Saturn commercial about how you can't tell what kind of drivers are on the road, good. "I'm driving with my knees." Pure genius.
Titanium rod down the center of your bone, good.
Crutches, bad.
Being able to shower, good.
Sympathy, good.
Pity, good.
Lasagna, good.
Outkast, good.
Good, good.
Bad, good.



09.20.03

We all know you can get money from an ATM machine. Those babies pump out dollars like a charm. But did you know you can also get rage from your local automatic teller machine? That’s right. Fury in the form of a $20 bill. Rather, about seven-tenths of a twenty dollar bill. It may not sound like that’s “fury” exactly, but give it time. Try spending it. “Do you have the other part of this?” Yeah, asshole. I tore an inch off a twenty dollar bill thinking I’d be able to spend the same $20 twice. When you explain that it came out of the machine like that, people tell you you’ll need to take that 7/10 of a $20 bill to the bank. Why? I don’t know, but I’m going to find out. I’d also like to find out who in the hell stocked that ATM with a torn dollar in the first place? If I ever find out, we’re going to have words. The poor toll-booth fellow who wouldn’t accept my incomplete bill this morning got a taste of “can’t spend it” wrath. Why don’t yoouu take it to the f*cking bank? It’s twenty dollars. I’ll guarantee you that the missing inch, containing half a serial number, is not in circulation. If people won’t take most of a twenty, no jackass will accept an inch of one. Man, I’m fuming.

Then, add to that the closing of three lanes of a four lane highway and you’ve got the makings of curse-mouth Jim. Watch out world.

Bananas are good. So are apples.


09.09.03

I know I’m a little late with this, but for every woman who’s ever asked what men like about two women kissing…



I’ll tell you what, if Brittany and Christina Aguelara ever made a “film”—if you know what I mean—they’d make more from the sales of that than from their next five records combined. Mark it down.


09/04/03

What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever seen?
When you’re standing on a deck in the midst of a drunken, twenty-person, five bag marshmallow-fight, you think things are already pretty wild. And that’s when you see them. Two women walking down the road in funny oriental-looking hats. The first of what is to be many old people, all dressed in “traditional” Chinese clothing, heading to what you can only assume is an orgy. As the marshmallow fight grinds to a halt in light of this new development, you gaze slack-jawed at a steady stream of these people going into the same cabin. You laugh as you fire a few marshmallows at the two topless, hefty older men carrying some sort of giant tray. And then, when you see them all congregating outside their destination, you can no longer deny your curiosity.
What in the world is going on?
So you approach, but everyone is too drunk to even begin trying to understand what these people are here for. Instead, you just stick with your assumption that it’s some sort of old person orgy. The fact that two of the men have giant fake dongs hanging out of their pants strengthens this belief. And then there’s the man with braces wearing a diaper. And the woman with a wig tucked into her skirt to make it look like she has a large bush. Jesus. So instead of asking them anything you do the only thing you can think of. The pony dance, followed immediately by the bull dance in an attempt to confuse them as much as they’ve confused you. Once you have them thoroughly confused, you start taking pictures, because when you get back to reality it will be good to have evidence this actually took place. In fact, you have them all get together for one big photo. Only instead of “cheese,” you have them say “freakshow!”

Whoa. If any of those people turn out to be your parents or grandparents, I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
This is the essence of Put In Bay, Ohio.
One of the best and worst places you should only go once.
It should also be noted that Put In Bay’s only natural resource is rocks. And their favorite sport? Throwing rocks into the lake.


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